The X Factor Blog: X Factor Does (Very Little for) Halloween

It was pretty dull affair this week after the enjoyable Club Classics show. No Lucy Spraggan performance as she pulled a “Diana Vickers” and was off sick. She was put through to next week at the annoyance of some. Always bit of a difficult one this; I’m pretty sure the producers wouldn’t have given a bye to one of the less successful acts i.e. District3, Jade or Kye. 

Jade. She has a young daughter, did you know that?

What also showed X Factor up was how much effort Strictly Come Dancing put in. The X Factor had a couple of kids dressed up as the Droogs from A Clockwork Orange (really family friendly that. You fucking idiots) and Union J hanging about on a car. SCD had the themes from Scooby Doo and Weird Science. CHECK. MATE. 

Where the hell was Brian? Did they give him a week off? Well, they shouldn’t have. If anyone was needed for the Halloween episode, it’s Brian Friedman. And Dermot, I only want to see your double dance from now on. 

What else did I hate about this show? Tulisa looking like a spoilt brat for most of the show. Then, when Gary called her out for having fag ash breath she looked like she was going to blow a gasket. Or cry. Either way it was a bit uncomfortable and not what I expect from a 41 year old man. Although Louis' face was a picture.

ALL of the song choices were rubbish. When will somebody sing “Monster Mash”? Okay, so there’s probably only that, “Thriller” (which was been done numerous times) and the Ghostbusters theme that can be played on a Halloween night, but you know what? The producers wanted that theme so maybe you all should have put a tiny bit more effort into it.  Even just popping along to Pound Land and getting a few costumes would have looked better. Just wrapping someone in toilet roll WOULD HAVE LOOKED BETTER. Take a look at SCD; the make up and costumes were fantastic. The songs were a stroke of genius. MUST TRY HARDER X FACTOR. 

Let’s talk about the sing off. Why have it? Jade was never going to win the competition but she was so much better than Union J. There was never a chance the judges were going to get rid of the “new” One Direction though where they?

Nicole is the only shining light in this show; she looks like she's having fun and she's the only judge I want to hear from.  

One last thing; if I hear one more mash-up from anyone I’m going to throw my remote at the TV. And just watch SCD. 

The X Factor Blog: Battle of the Cheeses and The Scottish Widow in Nightmare Week

Not a bad live show, this one. Here are some observations.

• It contained "The Greatest Dermot Intro... Ever!" The shimmying was of the highest standard, and the editing was brilliant. We also had The Harshest Judging Ever by Gary. He told Kye exactly how bad he was last week, and let's be honest, he was shit.

All because Simon loves Milk Tray...

• Club Classics week turned into Nightmare week. Everybody had a something bad happen to them from losing their voices to losing their beards. Maybe everybody should have just had a week off.

• Why is it only Nicole who looks like they are enjoying the show?

• There were some terrible versions of "club classics"; James Arthur I thought was boring (why do people like him? I don't get it).

• Louis came dressed as a cross between a James Bond villain and the Milk Tray man. AGAIN.

• No idea why Gary was stressing about Ella dancing, it's not like she launched into a massive dance routine it was just some arm waving.

• Tulisa made her best comment of the series comparing Rylan to a Babybel and Christopher to stilton. I liked Christopher singing the theme from Three Men and a Little Lady, but that worries me because where does that leave him to go for Movies Week??

• Club Classics week, it's always shit. Just sing the goddamn song the way it was written. Stop trying to be clever by slowing it down or a rubbish mash up.

• Rylan was a bit meh this week again.

• Lucy kept her flippin' guitar like a safety blanket. If they can't get her to let go of it during Club Classics week then there's no hope.

• I love JLS but it's be nice to get some other good acts on the results show apart from ex contestants. And Emili Sande? I could get her to appear for my birthday party, she's everywhere. At least she didn't sing Read All About It. There was real danger of that happening.

• I have to say I have a little soft spot for Jahmene now.

One last thing...

Why did Brian Friedman come dressed as the Scottish Widow?

Brian Friedman is fast becoming my favourite thing about this show.

Hold on, who left? Oh yeah, MK1. Never mind. 

The X Factor Blog: Gary Barlow and The Overs and Out

So Melanie left in the second sing off of the series. Does anyone care? She was a good singer but never really threatened the competition. By this rate Gary’s work will be over in a few weeks. Kye had a terrible show with a mash up of some Eminem songs without the rap; surprise surprise it was rap but with a capital ‘C’. Then there’s Christopher who everyone seems to hate but if the tabloids are anything to go by he is topping the vote every week.

We also had Rylan and some dancing pandas, which I kind of enjoyed. But I’m still not convinced he’s actually that entertaining. He’s no Jedward or Wagner is he? Unfortunately he is the closest X Factor has got to a fun act and tabloid headlines so he has to stay.

We were all slightly surprised, weren't we?

Thinking about it, Rylan was the most memorable act this week. District3 were terrible and deserved to be in the bottom 2, they won’t last long.

Week 2 and Lucy’s still got her guitar, I want it gone by Club Classics week. She sang Gold Digger. It was weird. And that strange look she was giving her dancers? Well, that was uncomfortable.

I can’t even remember anyone else it was a boring week mostly due to the boring theme ‘Love and Heartbreak.’ For goodness sake, REALLY? In other words, “just sing a ballad,” or “we really can’t be bothered too think about a theme.”

I still haven’t got a favourite contestant, but Nicole is my favourite judge by a mile. Also I want more drama, dammit! AND NO MORE GANGNAM STYLE.

The X Factor Results Week 2 Live Blog

This might not work, but welcome to some live blogging on the X Factor Results Show! Because there aren't enough opinions on the X Factor out there. 

Nicole is way too classy to point, and Gary only gives it the shoulder. Louis, Tulisa- TRYING TO HARD!

The X Factor Blog: Live Shows. Is That Your Final Answer Louis?

Full disclosure; thank goodness the X Factor results show was exactly like it was. Louis dithering, Gary is outraged and the worse singer is saved at the expense of a better, but more forgettable one. But let’s get back to Saturday first shall we? 2 hours and 20 minutes of mostly boredom. Rylan came on but it was too little too late, and he wasn’t as entertaining as the judges thought he was.

There's only one word... UNDERSTATED.

Let’s discuss Dermot and his dancing. What is it with Gangnam Style? Is it a style or just the name of the song? You can explain it to me but I think the truth of the matter is I’m too old and really don’t care. My god I hate “cool” YouTube videos that do the rounds.

First we had the wildcard and it was a bit of a shock as Christopher Maloney went through in front of much more delightful Amy. What the hell was that stupidly dramatic and over the top cry and roll he did? Stuff like that just shows how fake and insincere you are. It was funny how his “crippling nerves” disappeared when he performed on stage. Best putdown of the night goes to Nicole when she said to Christopher, “You might want a little burger with that cheese.” WAMMY. 

Most of the other contestants were also pretty bland. Lucy is one singer that I really have a problem with. One good audition and she has been pretty terrible ever since. She sang her own song which was instantly forgettable and not a patch on the X Factor’s other original song writer Chico and the much catchier, It’s Chico Time. Ella was the best by a mile but that doesn’t always guarantee a win. Misha B was the best last year but look what happened there. Ella is a nice girl but she’ll need something else. People loved Stacey Solomon before Cowell called her a singing candle then that was her chance gone. Saying all that though, she'll be a good girl (hopefully) stay at the headlines and win the whole thing. 

A quick word on the theme of the night. It was Olympic Night; not that they put any effort into it at all. They invited some Olympians but spent about 10 seconds acknowledging them. The theme is always a joke as the judges will just pick whatever song they want. Remember Jamie Afro singing a track off the soundtrack to Gummo. Classic.

How convenient a camera was there.

But to the results night. Dermot was getting angry with Louis, Gary made it obvious who the winner in the sing off should be and Rylan showed he really just can not sing. I loved every moment of it. Yes it’s made loads of headlines. There are screams of it being a fix and “real” talent is losing out to the joke acts but let’s be honest; as nice as Carolynne is she was never going to win. I sometimes think they put acts through like her so they can’t audition anymore. Anyway, she's gone now. We'll probably have forgotten her in a couple of weeks so let's see what Louis can mess up next week shall we?

The X Factor Blog: Holiday Time at Judges' Houses

It’s Judges’ Houses this week, where Dermot gets to go on 4 holidays in quick succession. Louis is in Las Vegas with Sharon Osbourne and her unmovable face, Nicole and Ne-Yo are in Dubai, Tulisa’s vile yellow hair and Tinie Tempah are in St. Lucia and Gary is at a lovely mansion in the heart of England with *SURPRISE* Cheryl Cole! So expect some waterworks and bad decisions as the judges whittle it down to the final 12.

CC flies in.

There were some easy decisions; Ella was always going through from the first audition. There were some obvious decisions; who was Brad in Gary’s category? Of course your lack of airtime means you aren’t making the live shows. There was a female version of The Peter Andre Principle in Jade Ellis. She’s got a kid don’t you know. She wants her kid to have nice things. And yes, she could just get a “normal” job but isn’t it better she goes on a TV talent show where she’s away from her kid for a few months? Then if she does win it she’ll be away from home even more! The money is much better than her being at home? Right? RIGHT? 

There seems to be an over abundance of crying this year too. And deary me, all the girls looked horrendous with their make-up running down their face. While we are on the subject of crying, how can we not mention Rylan in the most unconvincing performance in X Factor history? He is nowhere near as entertaining as Jedward, Wagner or even Chico. But he is about as annoying as Katie Waissel and Kitty Brucknell. They could at least hold a note though, whereas Rylan is just terrible. And why was he dressed as a Jedi? There was no way he wasn’t going through though, the X Factor needs an act like him; someone to divide opinion.

Another contestant I was a bit unsure about is Lucy Spraggan. While you can’t deny her first audition was extremely popular, the comparisons with Victoria Wood are obvious, but does she belong in this competition? She only had that one good audition, all her others have been quite average and she how will she cope singing Disco, Motown or Big Band? Let’s be honest, not all her songs are going to be as fun as her first. The other song she has sung was really forgettable; while they mean something to her, they aren’t actually very good. Tulisa made the biggest Gamu-shaped mistake this year; Amy should have gone through at the expense of Lucy who belongs on Britain’s Got Talent.

Lucy and that fucking guitar...

A few random irritations. What is Tulisa talking about when she’s on about her “muffins”? The guy who left MK1 for 33% must be happy, good luck trying to collect on that. I can’t stand the “it’s not good news… IT’S GREAT NEWS” line. It’s so annoying and lame. Stop it. And the unsurprising surprise twist involves the public picking up the phone for their favourite wildcard. Surely it must be Amy. Won’t it?

Cheryl Cole makes her “comeback” this week with best bud Gary. I’m convinced she wants her spot back on the panel and this is her little way of seeing if the public would take her back. She’ll be back as full time judge next year, and we’ll have Gamu auditioning too. Hey producers! You can have that story line if you want. I want 33% though please.

Final thought. We’ve got the final 12 but where’s my wind tunnel and classy make-overs that we always get? The Celebrity Squares format was not working for me.

Also, the contestants have sang Emile Sandi’s Read All About It now. You’ve used that song choice up, that’s it, once only, no more. LET’S NEVER HEAR OF IT AGAIN (Wishful thinking).