The X Factor Blog: The Return Of The Sob Story

What is the X Factor without it's sob stories? Some may say The Voice, but even they knew the power of some over egged life story. ("My goldfish got ill, this is for you Sharky!") We are getting into the swing of things in episode 2 with some massive sob stories and a familiar face (if you were one of about 5 people who watched a Sky Living reality TV show).

What would you call this look?

Let’s say hello to Rylan Clark; Fake Baked to within an inch of his life, hair straightened, manicured and made up. Why did no one mention he has been on another show, Signed By Katie Price? He was the runner up, or as he likes to put it “the male winner.” Singing the song “Kissing You “ from Romeo + Juliet (he didn’t know the artist- it’s Des’ree) it was actually an Ibiza remix. Great choice for a singing competition. But I would never mention Des’ree as all I ever think of is this when I hear her name. Gary (or “G” as Rylan named him) was the only one who said his voice was weak. They had a lot of build up on him so there was no way they were going to say no to such a “personality.” Louis didn’t get it but I have a feeling he doesn’t get a lot that goes on around him. 

Everyone loves it when somebody brings a guitar to the party.

I mentioned it before, especially on The Voice and Britain's Got Talent, but whoever is in charge of the social networking aspect of these shows needs to work harder. #NerveWrack? I never seen one of these trend. And who the hell let guitars in? Lucy Spraggan I’m looking at you. Compete with yet another horrendous hash-tag, #beerfear, while she was different to what the X Factor is used to I found her to be a cross between Victoria Wood, Ed Helms and Kate Nash. She just will not work on the live shows. Even Matt “credible artist” Cardle had to wear yellow jeans and sing pop. These kind of artists belong on BGT. She’s probably better than “Where’s Me Keys, Where’s Me Phone” but she’s still in the same bracket. How is she going to sing pop songs (when most of her song was talking) and give a big performance? I just can’t see how she fits in later on in the series. 

Fantastic, another guitar. 

We then travel to Newcastle which is renowned for it’s lack of talent when it comes to X Factor auditions. Do they really need to go there now Cheryl Cole isn’t on the panel? Let’s be honest, what’s the point? After a day of pure drivel we get James come on to the stage. Ah, James. I bet the X Factor judges couldn’t believe their luck when you came through the door. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the ULTIMATE SOB STORY.

• Number 1. His parents spilt up when he was young. “That’s okay but we need MORE!” 
• Number 2. He gets suspended from school, and blames his parents. Yeah because that’s one thing he should never do is TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. 
• Number 3. He volunteered himself for foster care. Keep in mind it’s ALL THE PARENTS FAULT. I can just hear the producer saying “Yes, yes that’s all great but do you know what would be even better? Getting your mum and dad together in a room for the first time in 22 years. DYNAMITE!” 

Sigh. The judges are so moved that these parents can put a side their differences and come together because of the amazing talent their unemployed 24 year old son has. Excuse me if I’m not reaching for the hankies just yet. There’s something I don’t like about him, maybe because he sang a Tulisa song. Sorry, her only song. Another guitar Cardle, I don’t see these people working in the later stages of the competition. 

I’ve not even mentioned Rita Ora. She was nice, but to be honest I don’t know who she is. I did see Tulisa furiously scribbling down notes though when Rita was telling her how she got signed with Jay-Z. Good luck with that, Tulisa. 

Next week we have Geri Halliwell guest judging. Thank god for Sky+. 

Hell's Kitchen USA: Full of Angry, Angry Chefs.

Quite unbelievably we are in the 10th season of Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen USA and it is as over the top as it's ever been. With possibly the cheesiest title sequence ever created (there used to be some kind of Gulliver’s Travels theme in one series) all the chefs try to look as glamourous as they can (which is quite an achievement for some of them). It sets the show up; you know exactly what you’re in for. There is about 5 minutes of total BS that only American shows can do before we even start. On the first episode there is some weird hair shaving ritual which I’m not sure what it was about, but it turns out it was totally staged. Like most US reality TV shows. 

Ramsay shouting at someone... Business as usual. 

It’s a shame Ramsay doesn’t do a UK version any more, I thought it was great. The problem was that they had “celebrities” on it. Have normal people with a real passion for food then you will see some fireworks. We don’t always want to see celebs who want to up their profile, oh and their charities profile (of course). 

The US is just so over the top (it reminds me of a Father Ted episode) I love it because it’s so ridiculous. The voice over man makes me feel like it’s life and death situation. It’s also very angry. All the chefs are angry, angry people. 

Who eats in HK? In the UK it was even shittier celebs who couldn’t even get on the programme. The US has some really snobby people who seem surprised that their free dinner is a) not delivered quickly enough or b) crap. I also can’t believe the amount of times the chefs bring out raw food to the pass too, it’s unbelievable. 

We are into the business end of the season, after what seems like forever. It’s definitely one of the more bitchier seasons I’ve seen. And that’s thanks to Robyn, Tiffany and Kimmie. They back stab everyone. A few weeks ago it was “Steak & Family Night” in HK and with the ultimate prize being Head Chef at Gordon Ramsay’s Steak House in Las Vegas, this was the perfect opportunity for the contestants to shine. The sickly sweet American kids were waiting politely for their pizza (if this was in the UK, kids would be running around the restaurants throwing Fruit Shoots at the waiters) but Tiffany thinks she’s too good to cook for children. Once again, Barbie (who does have a real attitude) stepped up and helped Tiffany, which made Tiffany hate her even more.

Kimmie (left) Vs Robyn... No wonder Robyn looks scared. 

There have been some humungous arguments this season too, one being between Kimmie and Robyn. It actually looked like they were going to come to blows at one point. Robyn looks like she can handle herself in a fight but against Kimmie? She’s a big, big girl. Kudos too to the voice over man for the most sarcastic comment of the season with “While Robyn offers Kimmie an interesting suggestion…” after Robyn (with her weird sad clown face) tells Kimmie to “Suck my dick.” How delightful. 

Many people have gone and we are left with only one team. My money is on Christina for the win, she’s head and shoulders above everyone else. But only Ramsay knows who he wants in his Steak House. 

Hell’s Kitchen continues on ITV2 on Tuesday night at 9pm. 

The X Factor Blog: It's Back! And It's The Same As Ever.

Even though it’s never been far away from our thoughts (or newspapers), TV's biggest talent show is back for a 9th series with the hashtag "Whose time is now?"

But before we get to the contestants let’s say hello to our X Factor judges. The unmovable Louis is back (TV’s version of a barnacle) alongside Gary Barlow and “the girl everyone is talking about” Tulisa. Let’s be honest, no one is talking about her, it seems to be her who won’t shut up about the little tape she made. New series, new judge and the editors have gone into hyperdrive making it look like Nicole Scherzinger has been there from the beginning instead of some uninspiring hirings (wait, is that Anastasia I saw? What is this, the year 2000?)

Louis, sightly over dressed methinks. 

So Dermot is back with a great opening VT in where he tells us about a few success stories. We’ve got Olly Murs on a photo shoot (of course he’s probably most famous for presenting the X Factor’s sister show The Xtra Factor), then there’s Alexandra Burke. I think Dermot was getting at the fact that without the duet with Beyoncé, the biggest star in the world, she would in no way have beaten JLS. Then we end on Simon Cowell’s brainchild and legacy to the X Factor, One Direction. Their fans are truly terrifying and have some how made them into one of the biggest boy bands in the world. No mention of Leon Jackson, Matt Cardle or Shayne Ward… Shanye really should have been a massive star, Cowell’s label really dropped the ball with him. 

We then have some smack talk from the judges. There’s Tulisa bleating, “I’m always going to say what I think.” Shut up, that’s not always a good thing you know. Then there is Gary failing to see the irony when he talks about the talent Team GB showed in the Olympics. Not sure you can compare the years of hard work those athletes do to some of the “acts” on the X Factor who have just played a couple of hours on Singstar. Louis (they still call him a “music manager” but does he actually manager anyone anymore? And has anyone ever said anything nice about him as a manager?) takes a little dig at BBC by saying it’s not all about the voice. Nicole seems really sweet so it’s hard to believe when she says “I’m a scary bitch.” To be fair, I imagine you have to be to be part of the Pussycat Dolls. 

The judges have been introduced, the crowd are ready so let’s get the contestants on! And how lame were they? I’m not sure you should ever start a series with a joke act; that just sets the tone. Welcome some lad who works in Nandos carrying a photo of him and Pixie Lott, putting on a voice so he sounds like Louis Armstrong. Oh. 

I bet I know her favourite colour...

Who else have we got? Some Pink wannabe who sings a Pink song but doesn’t want to be like Pink. Well for starters, why did you get the same hair cut as her? And Emilé Sande (her other song choice)? I thought the judges gave her quite constructive criticism, especially for them. It’s a shame she went off in a huff saying “you told me to sing a Pink song!” And why did her dad, a Tom Jones impersonator, drag her back on stage? Who am I kidding, I loved it. Particularly the colourful language she used. She will definitely be back next year. The producers are playing the long game with her, mark my words. Special mention goes to the use of the Inception soundtrack over her breakdown, great usage there music editor!

Then there was Mel B, who was nicknamed “Grumpy Spice.” She hated EVERYONE, even some old granddad. Although there was someone at the end, who she said yes to but to be honest I can’t remember anybody good. I’m not really a fan of hers but in some corners people liked her because she reminded them of Simon; yes she was nasty but that’s about it. 

It was business as usual then at the X Factor, but if the ratings are anything to go by people are getting a little tired of seeing the same old stories rehashed. It’s not panic stations yet but there needs to be some really great acts in the audition stages to get a buzz going. If not, by the time December comes around we might have another Steve Brookstein on our hands. 

The Gold Rush for Team GB at London 2012: How To Make A Nation Proud.

We as a nation are pretty demanding on our sports stars it's fair to say. Each and every year there is some competition that we are convinced we will win but never quite make it. So imagine all our surprise at London 2012 as Team GB have shone so brightly that you’d almost believe it’s summer. 

Mo Farah and Wenlock in: Epic hug!

The London 2012 Olympics haven’t been cheap; there has been much debate whether we should have even hosted them but after what many dubbed Super Saturday I think few will disagree it was worth every penny. 

We don’t like to admit we can be patriotic, it’s frowned upon by some which I think is a real shame because if London 2012 has shown us anything it’s that we ARE good at sport. We’ve got some truly amazing athletes (special mention goes to all the cyclists and the rowers), maybe now we will stop hero worshipping the football players so much and start appreciating our Olympians a bit more. Just maybe. 

I’ve lost some Twitter followers over the past week since that amazing opening ceremony and I found that a bit sad. Not because I’m an ego manic who keeps on top of her followers but because it must be that some people just aren’t interested in the Olympics, or Team GB. If this team doesn’t inspire you maybe you’re a little dead inside. 

Jessica Ennis: Olympic champion

Every podium I’ve watched with Team GB on top I’ve had to swallow back a few tears. We shouldn’t be ashamed to be patriotic when it’s for a good reason and these Olympians have made us all proud to be British. The medals do look like giant Cadbury coins though. Mmm chocolate. 

We finished top in the rowing table, lots of tears were spilt there. No golds in the pool but Becky Adlington did brilliantly; no GB athlete should need to apologise for their performance especially when you’ve just won your second Olympic medal of these games. And what about Jessica Ennis? The poster girl for London 2012, she had a ridiculous amount of pressure on her shoulders. She just soaked it all in and used it to her advantage, a true sports woman. 

Victoria Pendelton on top of the podium

And shall we talk about the GB women of these games? Some times they don’t get the coverage that the men do but how they’ve impressed this year. Golds in the Velodrome, at Eton Dorney and in the Olympic Stadium. More medals in swimming and equestrian too, my goodness what amazing roles models for young girls today. It seriously puts the TOWIE girls, the Kardashians sisters and all the other “famous for nothing” generation to shame. And as I type this we’ve just made Olympic history with Nicola Adams as she’s won the first ever women’s boxing Olympic gold medal. Honestly, my eyes are filling up now. 

Kings of the Velodrome

Nearly all the athletes have come through some adversary. They’ve had their problems; they’ve finished second, come through injury and had to deal with unlucky decisions but what makes me proud is that they have learnt from their mistakes. Any set backs they have had, they’ve dealt with and worked their way through it. This is what we should be teaching this generation; work hard and you will be rewarded. No more “I Want”; you can’t just get famous and expect the world to fall at your feet. If you want real respect then you need to work hard. And look at Team GB for inspiration. 

My heart is literally bursting with pride for my country. “Inspire a generation” is the tag line for London 2012. Jess, Becky, Sir Chris, Victoria, Mo, Bradley and every single athlete of Team GB; you’ve done just that. 

Videos I Will NEVER Tire Of- #8 Michael Jackson: This Is It (Steve Porter Remix)

Another classic from DJ Steve Porter, the guy who brought us Slap Chop. It's a press conference for Michael Jackson to announce to the world his last ever gigs. Alas they never did happen but would they have been as entertaining as this video? We will never know. This is not the last you'll hear of Steve Porter in this list. But it is the first time you'll see Dermot O'Leary. 

WHY IT'S AWESOME: The great music; that's why we're here isn't it? Maybe not as catchy as others on the list but still pretty good. I love the fact it's just a couple of minutes of video on repeat. I love some repetition in my videos that's for sure. 

BEST PART? Is it the amount of times MJ says "This is it"? 

Is it Dermot O'Leary bizarrely turning up and introducing MJ at the beginning? 

OR IS IT the guy we keep seeing at the front of the crowd with his eyes closed screaming and squeezing his hands together like he can not believe how lucky he is?? 

Yeah it's him.