So, we're just going to let the egg thrower be the main talking point on BGT are we? Yeah because there's not much else to talk about.

Britain's Got Talent is over for another year, a Hungarian act won but a stage invasion dominated the headlines. To be fair, the final was all a bit dull in the end. Too many kids, too many singers and a lot of over over hyped acts all equalled to a very long evening. So when people like Jack Carroll, Attraction and Steve Hewlett come along they automatically stand out a mile. Steve Hewlett was a worthy wild card winner, it's a shame there weren't any magicians or better dancers in the final. Attraction were the best act of the competition but their final performance didn't have any of the emotion punch of the other two. Jack Carroll was good, he was always going to finish high and the judges obviously wanted him to win. Was anyone else surprised by the lack of support Francine had in the end? She only ended up with 2% of the vote, maybe people were fed up of the Jordan routine especially that horrible song at the end.

The big story of the evening however was a Natalie Holt rising from her seat in the orchestra and pelting Simon Cowell with some eggs. How she got the eggs in, and actually to the edge of the stage is anyone's guess. Her reasons for doing so were obviously nothing to do with being a fame hungry attention seeking brat. Oh no. She wanted to start a debate about Cowell's power and influence in the industry. Something which is hard to believe as she previously audition for BGT a year ago and was basically working for him on the final. So, she's quite happy to be on television but not too happy being a backing musician. Also, she looked far to happy with herself.  Very rarely will I agree with Amanda Holden but she had it right when she called her a "stupid cow."

She might have been angry at Cowell's influence but that doesn't stop her wanting to be part of the show did it? The final was nowhere near as good as previous ones, especially the Diversity/ Susan Boyle one, no matter how hard the judges were trying to convince us. However you know exactly what you're getting with BGT. Four judges with not much to say, a few sob stories, little kids not understanding irony and Ant and Dec. You either love it or hate it. See you next year, maybe they'll unearth some talent that we haven't seen before. Yeah, maybe.

Yes, The Apprentice is better than last year but is that enough?

I mean, come on. Did he think no one would mention his eyebrows?

The Apprentice was back this week with a double episode, more ridiculous sound bites and a grumpier than ever Lord Sugar. So nothing new then. After last year’s lack luster series in which actual business minded people wanted the investment here we seem to have more Big Brother rejects and reality TV wannabes than ever before. I can’t say I’m that excited; yes they are saying all the right (i.e. stupid) things, some are dressing to impress (i.e. short skirts, high heels) and a couple have the worst eyebrows I’ve ever seen but is it enough anymore? Sugar has the same old tired one liners, the tasks aren’t original and even Nick isn't making me smile as much as he used to. 

That’s not to say there’s no fun to be had. The Apprentice lives and dies by its contestants and the crew this year do look extra idiotic, so that has got to be a good sign. A few that have already stood out (not necessarily in a good way) are Luisa who thinks she’s like Jessica Rabbit, Jason who thinks he’s a machete, Zeeshaan who thinks he’s Napoleon and Alex who looks like a Welsh Dracula. I have to admit though I did love his turtleneck and overcoat ensemble he had going on in Belgium. I think he was modeling himself on Boycie from Only Fools and Horses. There is literally no other explanation for dressing like that. 

For me, the biggest problem is the prize. Long gone has the chance of working at one of Sugar’s companies, and in its place is a £250,000 investment and business partnership with the Lord. So, it doesn’t matter what they’ve done 12 weeks previous, if they have a great idea, they will win the show(hello Tom Pellereau. Even though I’m glad he won, he was lovely). After 9 series, the show has definitely reached its peak and will probably struggle to get to those heights again. It is still enjoyable but far from the must see TV of yesteryear. 

Lord Sugar, you’re not fired but we will be keeping a close eye on you. 

What is I’m A Celebrity Without Ant and Dec?

It’s been a really enjoyable series this year, we’ve had the one contestant that the public want to torture (Helen), a politician who claims they are on there to talk about serious issues (Nadine), a bit of a bossy boots (Rosemary), an 80s singer (Limuli), someone who had to quit (Brian), a token blonde (Ashley) and a man who calls it as it is (Eric). There’s always filler; not their fault but their screen time is probably at the expense of other more mouthy characters. See Linda; who seemed quite nice but the others were a bit more in your face. We’ve also got Charlie who looked like she was going to turn into her on screen character Janine, but turned into the eventual queen and quite a nice girl. Janine would have eaten Rosie Webster for breakfast; don’t stand too close to any cliffs Helen.

Let’s be honest though, we all know who the stars of the show are: Ant and Dec. They have outshone themselves this year. Personal highlights include Dec and his “Evening Prime Minister”, Ant with his Eric Bristow impression but my favourite was Dec giving Ant a birthday card. Not just any card, a musical card with Kajgoogoo’s Too Shy playing in it, which they accompanied with a little dance. Red or Black is all forgotten guys.

Nobody watches this show for the celebrities, and this show just wouldn’t work without Ant and Dec. While it might not quite be a vintage year, it is up there. Helen going from zero to hero, Rosemary annoying them all and Kiosk Keith in the jungle are some personal highlights. I love Kiosk Keith, more of him please.

It’s a show which I can only put down its popularity to its hosts and the mix of celebrities. While you might not have heard of some of them, the most important thing is that they don’t get on. Throw in the fact they are basically starving and certain people not pulling their weight and people’s masks soon start to slip. It’s quietly turned into my favourite reality show; one that doesn’t outstay its welcome and while it does have new and more horrible tasks each year, it has basically stayed the same. Take note X Factor, you don’t need to keep messing with a winning format.

Bring it on next year. Don’t ever change boys.

The X Factor Blog: Normal Service Resumed

It was coming, we all knew it; Rylan has left the X Factor. Love him or loathe him we all ended up talking about him. I really enjoyed some of his performances, but it was the banter with Gary that I will miss. He always gave as good as he got and by all accounts, he was a really nice guy. No one had a bad word to say about him and I loved his swansong where he hugged Gary. He knew he was going. I would have rather Union J went; they are so bland and boring. As usual Louis Walsh is ruining them, as he ruins all the acts he mentors.

Rylan sure has a certain style...

So the semi finals are next week and we have a real threat of Christopher Maloney not only getting to the final but winning. Union J have been in the bottom 2 three times so they have no chance of winning. We all know exactly how this is going to happen. James third, Jahmene second, Maloney the winner. If he wins, that might just be the final nail in the coffin to this show. Not only will they need a massive rethink for next year, but they are going to have to concentrate even more on getting all those viewers back who have given up.

No one seems to know who is voting for Christopher, and he seemed really fed up last week when the judges were giving him absolutely useless feedback. They don’t even know what to say to him anymore. They slate him, people vote. They praise him, people vote. They comment on the scary lasers coming from his eyes, or the crazy dancers around him or that he was singing “For Nandos”; it just doesn’t matter, people vote. It would be funny if he did win; the only act that the judges didn’t take through and he wins. That’ll show up how bloody terrible the judges actually are. There are lots of stories in the press about him; who knows how true they are. Maybe he is getting the sympathy vote; if so then the judges need to start critiquing him properly and not compare him to cornflakes or whatever the hell Nicole was on about. Maybe if they start saying he’s the next global superstar people will get bored of voting for him.

We’ve had Simon Cowell tweeting that he wants people to vote for the people who are their favourites, but maybe that’s what they are doing. A lot of people buy Jane McDonald’s albums, who’s to say they won’t buy Maloney’s music? If they want to find a relevant artist they need to do some drastic changes next year, and stop treating the general public like idiots.

Farewell Rylan for now. I will be very disappointed if you don’t make at least a guest appearance on TOWIE soon.

The X Factor Blog: Everyone Loves The Drama Apart From Tulisa Who Blames Us

So in Guilty Pleasures week Ella, one of the favourites, leaves. The UK has a collective fit, people scream fix and Twitter has a meltdown. In one of the biggest shocks in X Factor history two of the favourites were in the sing-off. James and Ella had the judges practically salivating with every performance. James has started to grow on me slightly while Ella seemed a bit too media savvy for a 16 year old, she had Sylvia Young all about her. I can’t argue with her voice; it is truly amazing but I found her a little dull. She’s a nice girl who has a bit of Leona Lewis and Stacey Solomon about her. It’s probably for the best she didn’t win, she can concentrate on being a teenage instead of the Syco machine chewing her up and spitting her out. The same goes for James, if he wins he will go the Matt Cardle route and no one wants that. Jahmene might benefit from being the winner, mostly for the confidence rather than the contract. They would know how to market him and he has a certain audience already. Union J haven’t got a chance of winning but Simon would probably want them to win the most; easily marketable all they need to do is follow the One Direction mould.

The most unsurprising Dead Lock of all time.

We all know Rylan and Union J are the next ones out, it just depends on the order. X Factor always has one shock that people are outraged about and Facebook groups set up (yeah, that’ll really get Cowell thinking won’t it, a FACEBOOK GROUP) but the X Factor goes on and people forget.

What has annoyed me this year is the way the judges are acting. Apart from Nicole, who is scha-mazing, the other judges look either fed up, disillusioned or just plainly don’t want to be there. Gary has been lost to the cause since week one, the moment Rylan stayed at the expense of his own act. Tulisa is more interested in chasing semi famous guys than mentoring her acts and Louis just sits on the end of the panel stirring it up. When Tulisa was throwing her toys out of the pram saying the public were voting for the wrong people she must have forgot where she was. If we, the public, want to vote for Rylan or Christopher, we will. The more the judges try to tell us to vote for someone, we will do the opposite. Especially with judges like Tulisa who people seem to have quite a strong opinion on. Personally I’m not a fan, she always goes on about being honest but she hasn’t actually got anything to say. She thinks she is urban, but she’s just really a plain Jane. I can’t get over how boring she’s become. She’s constantly in the papers for the wrong reasons; jumping from guy to guy or a horrible sex tape. Now she’s ended up with some average footballer with a pregnant ex- girlfriend who also likes texting call girls who slept with Wayne Rooney. Love, you can do better. It’s going to be her last year on the X Factor anyway; she is possibly one of the worst judges they’ve had. Yes she won last year but maybe, just maybe the X Factor should be less about the judges and more about the talent on stage.

The X Factor Blog: Boot Camp- 72 Hours of Clichés

Let’s welcome Nicole Schenziger back to the panel full time. Anyone who’s been saying she should be dropped in favour of Mel B are crazy. Give her a chance, she hasn’t done anything yet. Mel B had that one montage of nasty comments and everybody was comparing her to some kind of reality TV show monster. The rest of her work was pretty average or dull. Why are we inviting the Spice Girls back into our lives???

So, everybody is back at X Factor Boot Camp again. The horrible VTs continue with us just “dropping by” to see the contestants pack their bags and head off to Liverpool. For most of them though they shouldn’t have got off the National Express as they were dumped before Boot Camp even kicked off in the big surprise twist. The big surprise twist that they did last year. They got a little party with JLS though so swings and roundabouts.

You will be missed Gathan.

The “This is my once in a lifetime opportunity” phrase they keep jabbering on about is a load of rubbish. We all know that the producers will get them to return next year. It should be called the Ex-Factor the ridiculous amount of ex contestants that have got through this far.

My favourite contestant was Gathan. There is a ready made boy band with him, Rylan and Octavio. Make it happen Louis, MAKE IT HAPPEN. Gathan is already convinced he has won the competition, it’s a shame he didn’t make Judges’ Houses. He would have been really entertaining come the live shows.

Anyone who shakes so much and is really nervous about performing, well maybe you’ve chosen the wrong career and you really shouldn’t be a national TV. It is so annoying and it does not endear me to you (see Jahmene, Christopher).

We also had a few shocks. Joseph Whelan, the guy who would give Peter Andre a run for this money in Dad of the year awards, seemed like an obvious choice to go to Judges’ Houses but fell short.

Rylan Clark. You know what the best thing about him? The fact he wears t-shirts with his face on them like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

One of Rylan's many t-shirts.

Where the hell did James Arthur’s Deidre glasses come from? You can’t expect to add them and nobody is to mention them??

How do people let themselves be judged by Tulisa when she decided on having scarecrow straw-yellow hair?

Was there a separate Jade category we weren’t informed about?

We had Simon Cowell’s contractual involvement to try to get the ratings up by ringing the judges to tell them who their category was. Absolutely pointless. Louis has the groups AGAIN. Gary has the Overs, Nicole is with the boys and Tulisa is with the girls. Why did Tulisa shout like that when Simon called her? She pulled possibly the most unattractive face she could have pulled. She does my head in.

So it’s Judges’ House next week. Let’s see who makes a massive mistake and leaves someone great out. It’ll be Louis. It's always Louis.

The X Factor Blog: End of Auditions

It's the last of the auditions this week; they seem to have gone on forever this year, so we end on another double episode full of men fawning over Tulisa, a new tactic to get noticed and Bianca Gascoigne.

First up we have an older gentleman who seems to hate Tulisa. His “average old man audition” didn’t set Tulisa’s ears alight and he was quite forthcoming in his opinion. “It was that fucking Tulisa’s fault.” Calm down granddad!

Don't smile too much Gary.

Rita Ora was back and obsessed with finding someone who knows themselves. What the hell does that actually mean? Especially in a karaoke competition?

Some great sob stories returned this week. The Rebecca Ferguson Story “I had kids young and gave up my DREAM.” Wow, way to blame your children on your existence. There was also a new tactic to getting on stage this week, someone claimed to have gone to school with Tulisa. Now, we know that’s a lie. Tulisa never went to school. She was far too busy being “gangsta” with her cousin and getting terrible tattoos. There was another Jane McDonald-esq wannabe with an annoying Nan, the women claimed she was 33 years old, but I highly doubt that. 

One of the oddest auditions of the weekend was Bianca Gascoigne. Not sure how I feel about ‘celebrities’ (this word is used in the loosest term possible) auditioning. Some ex-contestants don’t know when to say “You know what? I’ve had a couple of goes, it’s not worked out, and it’s time to choose another career.” The judges really shouldn’t tell people they are a star, and this is what they should be doing. Because they probably SHOULD be doing something else. How long before we have X Factor WINNERS auditioning again? Slightly surprised they didn’t let her go to the next round (they let through far worse people) if only for a bit more publicity in the papers.

Not the worse voice of the competition.

The guitars make me want to scream. This isn’t The Voice. And what about Tulisa vs. Louis? Neither are current. Tulisa is so chav-tastic and the whole “I’m really tough” attitude is so weak it’s embarrassing. And Louis “I’ve sold a billion records” or whatever, no one cares what he has to say. Tulisa moaning about fish and chips was a bit weird too, she probably should have just toughed it out.

The section that must have been entitled “Everybody Loves Tulisa” was bullshit. That many men all in love with her doesn’t seem natural. Put Nicole next to her and let’s see who they choose.  

So the auditions are all wrapped up now and Boot Camp awaits. Expect “surprise twists”, people getting kicked out and maybe a band put together of rejects. Not long till the Live Shows, let’s get on with this shall we?

 

The X Factor Blog: Anyone Seen Nicole?

It’s an X Factor double bill weekend so that’s more guest judges, more guitars and more wannabes. Also, while I think about it, has anyone seen Nicole Scherzinger? She’s the fourth X Factor judge, ex-Pussycat Doll? She was around a bit at the start of the series but seems to have disappeared? No worries, I’m sure she’ll turn up. One way or the other. 

Was she ever seriously considered for the 4th judge?

So, Geri Halliwell turned up this week and if you thought last weeks contestants were grating then get ready for Geri. One Spice Girl was more than enough, who’s bright idea was two? Yes, they were are fun band in the 90s but let’s move on that shall we? Geri is possibly the most annoyingly needy person I’ve seen on any TV talent show. When she started speaking in a Scouse accent and arguing with Gary about who sold more records, dear god the nation was losing the will to live. We only have ourselves to blame though. We bought those Spice Girl records, over a DECADE AGO. She thinks we still love her. She just tries too hard to please everybody, thank goodness she wasn’t the rumoured 4th official judge. Honestly, Sinitta would have been a better choice. Think about that for a moment. SINITTA. 

To the contestants. And we had Jason from Vietnam who kept saying “Tulisha”. My, my the judges couldn’t get over that, it was getting quite uncomfortable when they kept shouting at him “TULISSSSSSSA!” It’s a stupid name anyway and the guy has an accent. He was better than they thought at least. 

Let’s talk about MK1. The N-Dubz wanna-band (why, why WHY model yourself on such a heinous group?) had the age old X Factor decision of dumping the runt of the litter; a complete dork who I’m convinced had an elaborate plan all along. He knew he was shit, but was waiting for the moment to say “I’ll go but I want 33% of your future earning.” Good luck with that one mate. Is that a binding contract? 

Then there’s some idiot who calls himself Eddy String. “The new Frankie Cocozza” people were claiming. He looks like a walking STD, and yet another gobshite. My goodness the producers are scraping the barrel this year.

The least offensive picture I could find.

And while we are talking about scrapping the barrel what about Lorna Bliss. That lap dance was horrendous to watch. If I was working backstage on the X Factor I’d have to think about my life choices as I pushed her towards the stage. The Britney Spears look-a-like who has been on so many TV show; Snog, Marry, Avoid, Dating In The Dark and most worryingly Britain’s Got Talent, among others. Why is BGT most worrying? Because it means the ITV producers knew EXACTLY what they were getting with her. They knew she was crap but gave a bit of shock value to, let’s be honest, a slightly underwhelming series so far. It screams out that they have no new ideas left and that there is nowhere else for this show to go. The judges aren’t helping either, they are just too bland. They all have good and bad points but none of them make this show must watch television any more. And that’s the problem. I can’t stand Bruce Forsyth (how OLD IS THAT MAN?) and the smuggest women on TV Tess Daly but I have a feeling Strictly Come Dancing might make better TV this year. If they got some better hosts I would turn over in an instant. The dancers may not wear much more than a Britney Spears look-a-like body stocking but they look classier. 

One final thought; let’s take a moment to think about the state of Louis Walsh’s hair. What the hell is going on there? 

The X Factor Blog: The Peter Andre Principle

Let’s get this out of the way first; I HATE when they do the “let’s listen into their conversations” bit. It’s a horribly, cheap TOWIE-esq way of seeing what people think. And it wastes far too much of the episodes on them. This series seems to have had the fewest auditions ever. Maybe because there just isn’t that much talent that want to audition? 

There is some kind of crazy in those eyes...

Speaking of "talent", the first auditionee is a lady called Nicola. And my god she’s annoying, every episode has started with someone who has about a quarter of the running time to themselves but isn’t actually very good. She just won’t shut up. Even the judges are getting tired of her and when you are annoying Mel B you know you're doing something right/ wrong. She dances like Jane McDonald would do to dub-step. It was terribly 90s, but she went through. Aye carumba. THIS is the best of the best?

Then we had a quick montage of “yes” contestants (because who wants to see the good contestants am I right??) before we head back to crazy town. An embarrassing mum who has dragged her kids along to really show them up seems genuinely surprised when they say no. She can’t pick up the sarcasm in Gary’s voice. Are people that delusional?? Or maybe she just really hates her kids. 

Scotland's best. Also a part time fairy. 

Then we come to possibly my favourite sob story ever. We had the Ultimate Sob Story last week so I think the writers took a week off here. We have a father, who loves his kid (a bit like Peter Andre, but probably no way near as much). That’s it. That’s the best they can come up with. We’re only in week 3! Oh wait, he’s a SINGLE father (“JUST like Peter Andre! And EVERYONE LOVES him don’t they??” Says an ITV executive). It won’t be long before the ex sells her story in New magazine or the Sunday Mirror, I guarantee. I am calling this strategy The Peter Andre Principle. Just tell people you love your kids and you'll win them over. 

Guest judges-wise we had Anastacia and Mel B. Anastacia was okay, funny in places and seemed nice. Not the strongest judge we've ever seen but not the worst. Mel B was back and by the look of it they had used all the harsh put downs in week one. 

The roadshow then heads into Scotland, where (and I’m only being honest like Tulisa) it’s always shit. Some truly worryingly mental people, mostly unemployed women I have to say. Even the token good contestant thought she was a fairy. My favourite exchange was between Dermot and a women who just got the “No, no, no, no" treatment, Dermot asked what would she do now. The women replied “Get drunk.” And Dermot finished with “Again. Great.”  

Welcome to Scotland. 

The X Factor Blog: The Return Of The Sob Story

What is the X Factor without it's sob stories? Some may say The Voice, but even they knew the power of some over egged life story. ("My goldfish got ill, this is for you Sharky!") We are getting into the swing of things in episode 2 with some massive sob stories and a familiar face (if you were one of about 5 people who watched a Sky Living reality TV show).

What would you call this look?

Let’s say hello to Rylan Clark; Fake Baked to within an inch of his life, hair straightened, manicured and made up. Why did no one mention he has been on another show, Signed By Katie Price? He was the runner up, or as he likes to put it “the male winner.” Singing the song “Kissing You “ from Romeo + Juliet (he didn’t know the artist- it’s Des’ree) it was actually an Ibiza remix. Great choice for a singing competition. But I would never mention Des’ree as all I ever think of is this when I hear her name. Gary (or “G” as Rylan named him) was the only one who said his voice was weak. They had a lot of build up on him so there was no way they were going to say no to such a “personality.” Louis didn’t get it but I have a feeling he doesn’t get a lot that goes on around him. 

Everyone loves it when somebody brings a guitar to the party.

I mentioned it before, especially on The Voice and Britain's Got Talent, but whoever is in charge of the social networking aspect of these shows needs to work harder. #NerveWrack? I never seen one of these trend. And who the hell let guitars in? Lucy Spraggan I’m looking at you. Compete with yet another horrendous hash-tag, #beerfear, while she was different to what the X Factor is used to I found her to be a cross between Victoria Wood, Ed Helms and Kate Nash. She just will not work on the live shows. Even Matt “credible artist” Cardle had to wear yellow jeans and sing pop. These kind of artists belong on BGT. She’s probably better than “Where’s Me Keys, Where’s Me Phone” but she’s still in the same bracket. How is she going to sing pop songs (when most of her song was talking) and give a big performance? I just can’t see how she fits in later on in the series. 

Fantastic, another guitar. 

We then travel to Newcastle which is renowned for it’s lack of talent when it comes to X Factor auditions. Do they really need to go there now Cheryl Cole isn’t on the panel? Let’s be honest, what’s the point? After a day of pure drivel we get James come on to the stage. Ah, James. I bet the X Factor judges couldn’t believe their luck when you came through the door. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the ULTIMATE SOB STORY.

• Number 1. His parents spilt up when he was young. “That’s okay but we need MORE!” 
• Number 2. He gets suspended from school, and blames his parents. Yeah because that’s one thing he should never do is TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. 
• Number 3. He volunteered himself for foster care. Keep in mind it’s ALL THE PARENTS FAULT. I can just hear the producer saying “Yes, yes that’s all great but do you know what would be even better? Getting your mum and dad together in a room for the first time in 22 years. DYNAMITE!” 

Sigh. The judges are so moved that these parents can put a side their differences and come together because of the amazing talent their unemployed 24 year old son has. Excuse me if I’m not reaching for the hankies just yet. There’s something I don’t like about him, maybe because he sang a Tulisa song. Sorry, her only song. Another guitar Cardle, I don’t see these people working in the later stages of the competition. 

I’ve not even mentioned Rita Ora. She was nice, but to be honest I don’t know who she is. I did see Tulisa furiously scribbling down notes though when Rita was telling her how she got signed with Jay-Z. Good luck with that, Tulisa. 

Next week we have Geri Halliwell guest judging. Thank god for Sky+. 

Hell's Kitchen USA: Full of Angry, Angry Chefs.

Quite unbelievably we are in the 10th season of Gordon Ramsay's Hell's Kitchen USA and it is as over the top as it's ever been. With possibly the cheesiest title sequence ever created (there used to be some kind of Gulliver’s Travels theme in one series) all the chefs try to look as glamourous as they can (which is quite an achievement for some of them). It sets the show up; you know exactly what you’re in for. There is about 5 minutes of total BS that only American shows can do before we even start. On the first episode there is some weird hair shaving ritual which I’m not sure what it was about, but it turns out it was totally staged. Like most US reality TV shows. 

Ramsay shouting at someone... Business as usual. 

It’s a shame Ramsay doesn’t do a UK version any more, I thought it was great. The problem was that they had “celebrities” on it. Have normal people with a real passion for food then you will see some fireworks. We don’t always want to see celebs who want to up their profile, oh and their charities profile (of course). 

The US is just so over the top (it reminds me of a Father Ted episode) I love it because it’s so ridiculous. The voice over man makes me feel like it’s life and death situation. It’s also very angry. All the chefs are angry, angry people. 

Who eats in HK? In the UK it was even shittier celebs who couldn’t even get on the programme. The US has some really snobby people who seem surprised that their free dinner is a) not delivered quickly enough or b) crap. I also can’t believe the amount of times the chefs bring out raw food to the pass too, it’s unbelievable. 

We are into the business end of the season, after what seems like forever. It’s definitely one of the more bitchier seasons I’ve seen. And that’s thanks to Robyn, Tiffany and Kimmie. They back stab everyone. A few weeks ago it was “Steak & Family Night” in HK and with the ultimate prize being Head Chef at Gordon Ramsay’s Steak House in Las Vegas, this was the perfect opportunity for the contestants to shine. The sickly sweet American kids were waiting politely for their pizza (if this was in the UK, kids would be running around the restaurants throwing Fruit Shoots at the waiters) but Tiffany thinks she’s too good to cook for children. Once again, Barbie (who does have a real attitude) stepped up and helped Tiffany, which made Tiffany hate her even more.

Kimmie (left) Vs Robyn... No wonder Robyn looks scared. 

There have been some humungous arguments this season too, one being between Kimmie and Robyn. It actually looked like they were going to come to blows at one point. Robyn looks like she can handle herself in a fight but against Kimmie? She’s a big, big girl. Kudos too to the voice over man for the most sarcastic comment of the season with “While Robyn offers Kimmie an interesting suggestion…” after Robyn (with her weird sad clown face) tells Kimmie to “Suck my dick.” How delightful. 

Many people have gone and we are left with only one team. My money is on Christina for the win, she’s head and shoulders above everyone else. But only Ramsay knows who he wants in his Steak House. 

Hell’s Kitchen continues on ITV2 on Tuesday night at 9pm. 

The X Factor Blog: It's Back! And It's The Same As Ever.

Even though it’s never been far away from our thoughts (or newspapers), TV's biggest talent show is back for a 9th series with the hashtag "Whose time is now?"

But before we get to the contestants let’s say hello to our X Factor judges. The unmovable Louis is back (TV’s version of a barnacle) alongside Gary Barlow and “the girl everyone is talking about” Tulisa. Let’s be honest, no one is talking about her, it seems to be her who won’t shut up about the little tape she made. New series, new judge and the editors have gone into hyperdrive making it look like Nicole Scherzinger has been there from the beginning instead of some uninspiring hirings (wait, is that Anastasia I saw? What is this, the year 2000?)

Louis, sightly over dressed methinks. 

So Dermot is back with a great opening VT in where he tells us about a few success stories. We’ve got Olly Murs on a photo shoot (of course he’s probably most famous for presenting the X Factor’s sister show The Xtra Factor), then there’s Alexandra Burke. I think Dermot was getting at the fact that without the duet with Beyoncé, the biggest star in the world, she would in no way have beaten JLS. Then we end on Simon Cowell’s brainchild and legacy to the X Factor, One Direction. Their fans are truly terrifying and have some how made them into one of the biggest boy bands in the world. No mention of Leon Jackson, Matt Cardle or Shayne Ward… Shanye really should have been a massive star, Cowell’s label really dropped the ball with him. 

We then have some smack talk from the judges. There’s Tulisa bleating, “I’m always going to say what I think.” Shut up, that’s not always a good thing you know. Then there is Gary failing to see the irony when he talks about the talent Team GB showed in the Olympics. Not sure you can compare the years of hard work those athletes do to some of the “acts” on the X Factor who have just played a couple of hours on Singstar. Louis (they still call him a “music manager” but does he actually manager anyone anymore? And has anyone ever said anything nice about him as a manager?) takes a little dig at BBC by saying it’s not all about the voice. Nicole seems really sweet so it’s hard to believe when she says “I’m a scary bitch.” To be fair, I imagine you have to be to be part of the Pussycat Dolls. 

The judges have been introduced, the crowd are ready so let’s get the contestants on! And how lame were they? I’m not sure you should ever start a series with a joke act; that just sets the tone. Welcome some lad who works in Nandos carrying a photo of him and Pixie Lott, putting on a voice so he sounds like Louis Armstrong. Oh. 

I bet I know her favourite colour...

Who else have we got? Some Pink wannabe who sings a Pink song but doesn’t want to be like Pink. Well for starters, why did you get the same hair cut as her? And Emilé Sande (her other song choice)? I thought the judges gave her quite constructive criticism, especially for them. It’s a shame she went off in a huff saying “you told me to sing a Pink song!” And why did her dad, a Tom Jones impersonator, drag her back on stage? Who am I kidding, I loved it. Particularly the colourful language she used. She will definitely be back next year. The producers are playing the long game with her, mark my words. Special mention goes to the use of the Inception soundtrack over her breakdown, great usage there music editor!

Then there was Mel B, who was nicknamed “Grumpy Spice.” She hated EVERYONE, even some old granddad. Although there was someone at the end, who she said yes to but to be honest I can’t remember anybody good. I’m not really a fan of hers but in some corners people liked her because she reminded them of Simon; yes she was nasty but that’s about it. 

It was business as usual then at the X Factor, but if the ratings are anything to go by people are getting a little tired of seeing the same old stories rehashed. It’s not panic stations yet but there needs to be some really great acts in the audition stages to get a buzz going. If not, by the time December comes around we might have another Steve Brookstein on our hands. 

TOWIE Is Back, Back, Back Tonight!

No words. 

TOWIE is back on ITV2 tonight for it’s 6th series (yes SIXTH) and what are we in store for? Well, Arg and Gemma are a couple now, even after that “You’ll never get this candy” (hurl) parlava at Marbs. I personally can’t stand either of them, they are both using each other to get as much money off of this “relationship” as they possibly can. I can guarantee there will be an argument in tonight’s episode and we will be left thinking “Have they broken up??” But we won’t care. They’ve already “discussed” marriage but so what? I’ve been known to discuss bungee jumping, it doesn’t mean I’m going to dive off a building anytime soon. Together they are sure to be the gruesome twosome and I have this horrible feeling this series will all be about them. If you ask me (and why wouldn't you?) Lydia is better off without that complete waste of space Arg. Tom seems like a really nice guy, and they are much more suited than Tom and Billi (or is it Cara? Those two are inseparable. I mean the one who's not his sister).

Jessica and Ricky are also officially a couple, but Jess has said that they have no interest in becoming “the show’s biggest love story.” What shall we give it? One episode before she is moaning about the lack of airtime probably given to Gemma and Arg? I think so. But she might be too busy for TOWIE as she has her music career to think of…

My favourite bit is when she comes out the water with her mascara running.

We’ve also had the news this week that Georgina will not be returning to Essex. Let’s be honest, she was hardly in it anyway and when she was she wasn’t interesting. Her not being at Marbs probably meant that the writing was on the wall with that one.

ITV2 have released some promo photos for the sixth series and in the main photo (below) I thought there were so odd absentees. Where’s Sam, queen hanger-on of the most eligible bachelor of the show (whoever he may be)? Why isn’t Lydia, Jess or even Lauren G there? No room for Gemma? Who thought it would be a good idea to put Mick in the photo? Maybe you should have put in Nanny Pat as well. And by the look of it, someone has made Joey Essex the leading man. A very random cast photo that one. 

Who let Mick in?

Lots of stuff has kicked off behind the scenes, let’s hope for some fireworks on screen. And maybe some fun new characters too.

The Only Way Is Marbs... Like TOWIE But On A Beach

So after missing a trick a few years back and not taking the cameras with them to classy Marbella, ITV2 have decided to make a special out of it this time. And let's be honest, it wasn't as exciting as it could have been.

Georgina didn't go Marbs. Oh that's right, no one gives a shit. 

SOME OBSERVATIONS.

• We start off with the gang on EasyJet, the hallmark of quality. My goodness I would not have been happy sitting next to them lot. Gobshites.

• Billi decided to call their house in Marbs the Pussy Palace. What the hell is this, The Inbetweeners Movie? 

• The whole show is building up to a Champagne Spray Party. Sounds horrendous. 

• People who say "I'm single" even though they ARE dating someone really winds me up. I'm looking at you, Lauren P. 

• Mario proposed to Lucy but we knew this was happening as it's been all over the papers. DULL.

• Lauren G was at boot camp. So what? You've put on a bit of weight, you lose a bit of weight. GET OVER IT. 

• Arg and Gemma make me sick. Both are vile. When Gemma said "You ain't getting this candy" not only did I want to throw my remote at the TV but Arg was right; she was embarrassing herself. Because Arg couldn't give two shits about anyone but himself, so what was she planning on achieving? Maybe Gem, just maybe you shouldn't have thrown yourself on him, kissing him and getting into his bed because he's pathetic and immature. Rami should tell you to pack your bags because you've been incredibly disrespectful to him. I hope no self respecting women would go near Arg even if he was the last "man" (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) on earth. 

• Diags: Makes me want to puke.

IN CONCLUSION.

It was a let down. And I think I hate all the "new couples"; Joey and Sam, Ricky and Jess, Lauren P and Tom. Not one of them look like they even remotely care for one another, unless it means they are on the camera more. Sam, in particular seems very cold. She has said some very odd things about her and Joey in the past; like the producers put them together (that's what they do) and they wouldn't have dated without the cameras. Even in her autobiography (crazy I know. She may look mid 40s but apparently she's in her early 20s... I'd check the birth certificate first) she said it wasn't amazing with Joey. Why would he want to get back with her? 

I like a good argument and some drama but nothing really happened in Marbs. The script writers need to tell them lot to get more interesting lives. I'm not sure why I watch TOWIE sometimes. I don't think there is anyone I do like... 

The Geordie Shore lot were right about this TOWIE special... it was crap.

Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights... It's Not That Bad Is It?

Well, actually it is. I was going to catch up with all the episodes that have been aired. I lasted 20 minutes. Yet there is so much to discuss. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with ITV2 but with Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights they are really pushing me. Here's the trailer, just in case you don't know what I'm talking about. 

Personally I hate that Tommy guy the most. Why don't you get off you're fat arse, get a job then you don't have to have Mark pay for everything for you like some weird hanger-on? Sorry I digress, he just really annoys me.

So the premise is basically Mark Wright wants a 5* holiday with his mates (well, the ones he's contractually obliged to bring. No room for his TOWIE teammate Arg, in more ways than one) and we have to watch it.

Even though it's real (as real as these constructed reality shows can be), Mark tells us that SOME of the show is set up purely for our entertainment. Hey mate, DON'T BLAME US. It really would have been a lot more entertaining if they had actually gone there for work (like they claim in the trailer) instead of fawning over Mark Wright like he's some kind of icon. HE IS NOT.

And what about the rest of his entourage/hangers on? Well, they are horrible. They've got nothing about them, no personality. These women in America would never look twice at this bunch of dullards. One part I did see was this stunning actress (aren't they all?) take Tommy and Nick to a health food store. Tommy, who obviously has never seen a salad in his life, was trying to impress this lady who was so far out of his league she was playing a different sport. He was claiming he loved all this health food while his mate was saying he hated it. He then went on about how much he liked her. Because that's how to catch a woman's heart; lie to her. You'll never get caught out, especially with those cameras following you! Moron. To be honest if she didn't click on that he is a salad dodger then she can't have too much going on with her self.

Urgh, I don't think so. 

I hate it. The 3 guys who aren't Mark or Tommy just mould into one and I can never tell who's who because they are all so boring. Also, what is the show actually about? Why are there pranks? Is this supposed to be some kind of Punk'd or was it just an after thought? I don't understand that at all.

Rather unsurprisingly, his ex-TOWIE mates have all said they loved it and even Mark's come out to say TOWIE got panned after it's first episode. Yeah it did but I think people don't want to watch rich, thick guys who think they are god's gift to women swan about on a free holiday.

It's as good as looking at other people's holiday snaps. NEWS FLASH: no one gives a shit.

Victoria's Out, Becky's In: Big Brother's First Eviction

So, somehow Lydia survived to tell us more about her famous partner at the expense of Victoria. Ah well.

And THIS is who the Great British public (well, the ones who watch Big Brother) voted in.

Welcome Becky.

DON'T LOOK DIRECTLY INTO HER EYES. 

Something tells me people are going to LOVE her. 

Who's on Team Becky?? 

Twitter Is Just Like When You Talk About Someone In A Bathroom And That Person Is In A Toilet Cubicle

Every body's been there. You say something about someone then they overhear you. While I was mouthing off about ITV2's new reality show The Exclusives on Twitter I noticed a few retweets over a harmless little comment.

I can't even remember if I was being nice or not.

For all you people who don't watch The Exclusives, Stu Robberts is one of the guys on this reality show. People were commenting on his writing skills not being to the standard. I just pointed out WOULD they have put someone on who couldn't write? Surely not!

I WAS ON HIS SIDE!! 

The Apprentice Final

Ricky Martin: Winner of The Apprentice.
Hang on...

Ricky Martin took the prize on Sunday night's The Apprentice after a fairly lacklustre series.

With only the interviews to go, the business plans were revealed. We had Jade who wanted to set up a call centre (everybody loves those cold calls while you're eating your tea). Nick wanted to do something with buying all the ingredients to a recipe on line in one go. First world problems right there. Tom wanted to make £25 million to buy some wine, but he didn't want to drink it. And finally Ricky Martin wanting to set up a recruitment company.

None of those ideas are really going to set the world on fire are they? I wonder how much Big Al knows about their business plans before the final. What if Maria had a great idea about purple eyeshadow?? (You can't even remember her can you? It's okay, I had to Google her name.)

At the beginning of the show, it looked like it was any body's prize to win but as the interviews went on as soon as we could see Claude falling for Ricky's charms there was only one winner. The Young Apprentice is on later in the year but I can't say I'm that taken with it. It's hard to hate 16 and 17 year olds who obviously want to work hard but don't want to just be academic. Or maybe they just want to be rich. Mmm, maybe they are easier to hate than I first thought.

This isn't the end of The Apprentice by a long shot. Let's just hope there are better tasks and better candidates next year. There is always one dull season and let's hope this was it. Or the BBC might be saying you're fired, Lord Sugar.

The Voice Final

That's it, it's all over folks. It's been good, it's been bad, we've been indifferent. The Voice UK crowned it's first ever winner on Saturday night and it was Leanne (let me just double check her name) Mitchell for Team Tom. So I was wrong.

Just in case you don't know, this is Leanne.

It was a LONG show. Everyone sang well, and to be honest Leanne probably was the best. After she beat Ruth last week maybe this wasn't as much as a surprise as it first seemed.

We had a super judge sing along mash up. I had no idea what The Script song was until the chorus kicked in. We also had the "artists" singing with their coaches, a bit like the X Factor, although they get people like Beyonce. But I think Same Difference had to sing with Jason Donovan so they aren't all great. For either of them.

The coaches were all far too gushing over everybody, especially Danny with Bo. It was kind of awkward to watch. I'm glad Vince went first, I couldn't stand him personally but Twitter seemed to love him. Then maybe you all should have voted.

But who came second or third?? Okay, sometimes the build up on the X Factor borders on the ridiculous but Holly said it so quickly it looked like she was in a hurry to pick up her Saturday night take-away. Where's the tension? Something all these live shows have been lacking. Holly's been a presenter long enough (and on a live reality TV show Dancing On Ice) to know that she should have dragged that moment out a little longer.

It's only been will.i.am who has said he would like to return next year. He's been entertaining at least, even though sometimes it took him an age to think of the words he wanted to say. Unless that word was dope. Tom Jones was, well Tom Jones. Inoffensive but bordering on a little boring. I really liked Danny in the blind auditions and the battle rounds, he wasn't bad in the live shows but I think Jessie J was the biggest problem. She just wanted to overpower everybody. Then when she couldn't get her point across she played the little girl lost routine and thought they were all picking on her. I find her a bit much; very OTT with her facial expressions, she seems like she wants to be the centre of attention all the time. She wasn't bad, I just wished she would let the others talk before jumping in. I'm just being honest, JJ.

It's nice to have a break from it now. Let's hope it comes back bigger and better next year with no V Room, more Reggie and maybe more ZING.

Oh, and Holly's outfit... She probably gave some men of a certain age a heart attack.

Super Diamond Jubilee 4 Day Final Weekend!

It's a big weekend in Britain. It's the Queen's Diamond Jubilee which means most people who sit in an office all day updating their Facebook status' have a 4 day weekend. On Sunday, there's something where loads of boats go on the Thames, based on a painting I'm told, which I'm a little bit intrigued about. Then on Monday there's a concert with miserable dad figure Gary Barlow and the oldest swinger in town Cliff Richard. 

One of the Queen's kids made this. 

But ALSO reality TV fans, we have the finals of The Voice and The Apprentice! Yes, we are finally at the finish line of 2 shows which have really underwhelmed this year. 


Ah, The Voice. So much promise, so much HOPE. But everyone was disappointed when the live shows came around and we found out none of the judges could actually string a sentence together and we wanted the swinging chairs back. While not a total disaster, there is definitely room for improvement and as they've already spent £22 million on it I'm sure they will be working hard to find ways to make it better. But who to win? Vince is a bit too MCR for me and I think Tyler comes across as really cocky. I'm also not sure what Leanne is doing there so that just leaves Bo. By default I guess. 


Over on Sunday night (why do they change the final day? I've never understood that) The Apprentice comes to a grinding halt. It's just lost some of its sparkle and I have to say I really don't care who wins. I'm even struggling to remember their names without looking it up. Nick and Jade probably shouldn't be there so I wouldn't be surprised to see Nick go first followed swiftly by Jade. Which leaves Ricky and Tom. Let's go with... Tom. I don't think Lord Sugar would want to work with someone called Ricky Martin. 


So, Bo and Tom to win. Go eat some undercooked BBQ sausages, find some bunting and raise a glass of Pimms to the Queen. Happy Jubilee Queenie! 

UPDATE: And I totally forgot that Big Brother 2012 starts on Tuesday night too! Yeah, I don't care either.