Is Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway the Best Thing On Television?

While watching Ant & Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway last night I felt like I had been thrown back about 15 years. Yes, partly because we were treated to a performance from PJ & Duncan (there's the next band for ITV2's The Big Reunion) but also because shows like this just don't exist anymore. It's basically Noel's House Party but without Mr Blobby. The Ant & Dec Undercover (Gotcha!), Little Ant & Dec (Wait 'til I Get You Home, just without the annoyed parents) all of the talking to the audience and revealing some weird secret of theirs or just trying to embarrass them (very similar to NTV). This isn't a bad thing. I think Saturday night TV has been crying out for something like this for a while. It's been 4 years since this show has been on air and they really seemed to have honed everything about it. When it first started, it was all about the audience member winning the contents of a certain ad break, when they clocked on we weren't too bothered about that (but we did want to know what sort of car it was) they concentrated on the other aspects of the show. 

Little Ant & Dec are okay, I did love it when they got the others ones came back at the start of the series; Ant & Dec's comedy timing is pretty good. I'm A Celebrity Get Out Of Me Ear may be a ridiculously forced pun on their other titan of a show but it works really well. Emma Bunton and Louis Walsh were game which made it all the more funnier. But by far my favourite item of the show is the End of the Show Show. The first one with Robbie Williams was okay but since them, it's really impressed me. I thought the boys did a fantastic job with Spellbound, they actually put some real effort in. And the Riverdance was really impressive too. Then when they bust out PJ & Duncan last night I was speechless. Why, when watching The Big Reunion I didn't ever think "I'd love to hear Let's Get Ready To Rhumble" I don't know. It's sitting pretty at number 6 in the iTunes chart as I type. 

The ratings have been a huge success, probably more the ITV dared hope for. There hasn't been much competition for it though so when The Voice returns to BBC One for it's second series next Saturday it will be interesting to see how it holds up. Personally, I think Ant & Dec have nothing to worry about as they have a solid family entertainment show in their hands. I can't even think of anything similar to it at the moment, it really is one of the best things on television at the moment. The Voice will probably have a big start but let's see what happens in a couple of weeks. Britain's Got Talent is also back soon so they are going to be the kings of Saturday nights. 

Is there any stopping Ant & Dec? Let's hope not. 

The X Factor Blog: The Final Countdown

After endless hours of tiresome cliches, dull contestants and Louis Walsh's ever changing hair we have finally made it to the end. In what was of the longest weekends of our lives, (2 hours on Saturday night AND 2 hours on Sunday? Ridiculous) we had our winner crowned.  James Arthur, that of the awful glasses, shirt pulling and the "I realllllllllllly mean these lyrics, man" beats little ol' Chicken Jahmene and everybody's favourite 80s crooner Christopher Maloney. Who topped the vote for the first 7 WEEKS. Impressive.

The musical guests were a real let down as most of them had been on the show already this series. I can't have Rhianna, One Direction or Emili Sande shoved down my throat any more. The show was over bloated, contained little singing from the finalists and was a bit of a damp squib in the end.

Let go Kye!

Personally, I was rooting for Jahmene but I was not bothered at all by who won. Lacklustre is the best way I can describe this series. It just seemed like a massive disappointment, partly due to the average acts, but the blame mostly falls on the judges who are now convinced that they are the real stars of the show.

Nicole has been nothing short of fantastic this year; what a revelation and thank goodness she was there because without her the live shows might have crumbled. Gary, while a very credible recording artist you can't help feeling the first live results show put the nail in the coffin for his X Factor career. Tulisa was getting worse and worse press as the series went on; and she wasn't totally blameless.  She was looking defeated before Ella went and afterwards she obviously didn't care. And Louis Walsh. Even he has clocked on how bloody ridiculous he is, now in on the joke he is pointless.

It's a show that I will tune in again for when the new series rolls around. There was a time when I claimed I'd not watch it anymore or at least not as much but I get sucked in every time. EVERY TIME. The problem is though it's not must see TV anymore; and until it finds that missing piece that makes the X Factor fun again, people will continue to turn off. I'm not sure if Simon's return would have the effect they are after; saying that though people tuned in for Britain's Got Talent to see his return (personally, I thought it was a weak series but I'm not sure anything will ever top Diversity v Su-Bo).

There's loads of time to talk about how to make X Factor better but for now I'm just looking forward to a small break from it. James Arthur, good luck. The male winners of X Factor haven't been bad but they've definitely been unlucky. See if you can break the curse.

Now on to The Voice which is back for a new series. Good?

The X Factor Blog: Of Course Union J Went

There’s light at the end of the tunnel, we are nearly at the end of what feels like the longest X Factor ever. There will be a post mortem, no doubt, but for now let’s see how obvious this semi final actually was. In fact it was pointless. There was never any doubt Union J were leaving. With no judges vote to save them, Maloney seemingly untouchable and people probably now voting for James after his fall into the bottom 2 Union J must have had their bags packed. No matter how many times the judges kept banging on about how they were the “next big boy band” (shut up, Louis) the general public just didn’t want to vote for them.

The “theme” this week was basically just sing a song with words. Some rubbish about sing a song for yourself and one for the win. I don’t know, the producers have really given up with the themes this year. One of the shows biggest disappointments is the lack of thought gone into the weekly themes. Bring back Big Band week. There’s not even much to say about this week, it was dull and very predictable. While not Tulisa’s biggest fan she looked so nervous performing. She just doesn’t have the same presence like Cheryl Cole, nor much of a solo career by all accounts.

Let’s just get to the end quickly and quietly shall we? Reserve your energy because it’s a 2 hour extravaganza on Saturday night where one contestant goes and the winner is crowned on Sunday following another 2 hour, err, “extravaganza”. Guests include the little known Rhianna, the unheard of Emeli Sande and a new little band called One Direction.

All have which performed on the X Factor this year. What a massive anti climax. Must try harder X Factor.

The X Factor Blog: Normal Service Resumed

It was coming, we all knew it; Rylan has left the X Factor. Love him or loathe him we all ended up talking about him. I really enjoyed some of his performances, but it was the banter with Gary that I will miss. He always gave as good as he got and by all accounts, he was a really nice guy. No one had a bad word to say about him and I loved his swansong where he hugged Gary. He knew he was going. I would have rather Union J went; they are so bland and boring. As usual Louis Walsh is ruining them, as he ruins all the acts he mentors.

Rylan sure has a certain style...

So the semi finals are next week and we have a real threat of Christopher Maloney not only getting to the final but winning. Union J have been in the bottom 2 three times so they have no chance of winning. We all know exactly how this is going to happen. James third, Jahmene second, Maloney the winner. If he wins, that might just be the final nail in the coffin to this show. Not only will they need a massive rethink for next year, but they are going to have to concentrate even more on getting all those viewers back who have given up.

No one seems to know who is voting for Christopher, and he seemed really fed up last week when the judges were giving him absolutely useless feedback. They don’t even know what to say to him anymore. They slate him, people vote. They praise him, people vote. They comment on the scary lasers coming from his eyes, or the crazy dancers around him or that he was singing “For Nandos”; it just doesn’t matter, people vote. It would be funny if he did win; the only act that the judges didn’t take through and he wins. That’ll show up how bloody terrible the judges actually are. There are lots of stories in the press about him; who knows how true they are. Maybe he is getting the sympathy vote; if so then the judges need to start critiquing him properly and not compare him to cornflakes or whatever the hell Nicole was on about. Maybe if they start saying he’s the next global superstar people will get bored of voting for him.

We’ve had Simon Cowell tweeting that he wants people to vote for the people who are their favourites, but maybe that’s what they are doing. A lot of people buy Jane McDonald’s albums, who’s to say they won’t buy Maloney’s music? If they want to find a relevant artist they need to do some drastic changes next year, and stop treating the general public like idiots.

Farewell Rylan for now. I will be very disappointed if you don’t make at least a guest appearance on TOWIE soon.

The X Factor Blog: Everyone Loves The Drama Apart From Tulisa Who Blames Us

So in Guilty Pleasures week Ella, one of the favourites, leaves. The UK has a collective fit, people scream fix and Twitter has a meltdown. In one of the biggest shocks in X Factor history two of the favourites were in the sing-off. James and Ella had the judges practically salivating with every performance. James has started to grow on me slightly while Ella seemed a bit too media savvy for a 16 year old, she had Sylvia Young all about her. I can’t argue with her voice; it is truly amazing but I found her a little dull. She’s a nice girl who has a bit of Leona Lewis and Stacey Solomon about her. It’s probably for the best she didn’t win, she can concentrate on being a teenage instead of the Syco machine chewing her up and spitting her out. The same goes for James, if he wins he will go the Matt Cardle route and no one wants that. Jahmene might benefit from being the winner, mostly for the confidence rather than the contract. They would know how to market him and he has a certain audience already. Union J haven’t got a chance of winning but Simon would probably want them to win the most; easily marketable all they need to do is follow the One Direction mould.

The most unsurprising Dead Lock of all time.

We all know Rylan and Union J are the next ones out, it just depends on the order. X Factor always has one shock that people are outraged about and Facebook groups set up (yeah, that’ll really get Cowell thinking won’t it, a FACEBOOK GROUP) but the X Factor goes on and people forget.

What has annoyed me this year is the way the judges are acting. Apart from Nicole, who is scha-mazing, the other judges look either fed up, disillusioned or just plainly don’t want to be there. Gary has been lost to the cause since week one, the moment Rylan stayed at the expense of his own act. Tulisa is more interested in chasing semi famous guys than mentoring her acts and Louis just sits on the end of the panel stirring it up. When Tulisa was throwing her toys out of the pram saying the public were voting for the wrong people she must have forgot where she was. If we, the public, want to vote for Rylan or Christopher, we will. The more the judges try to tell us to vote for someone, we will do the opposite. Especially with judges like Tulisa who people seem to have quite a strong opinion on. Personally I’m not a fan, she always goes on about being honest but she hasn’t actually got anything to say. She thinks she is urban, but she’s just really a plain Jane. I can’t get over how boring she’s become. She’s constantly in the papers for the wrong reasons; jumping from guy to guy or a horrible sex tape. Now she’s ended up with some average footballer with a pregnant ex- girlfriend who also likes texting call girls who slept with Wayne Rooney. Love, you can do better. It’s going to be her last year on the X Factor anyway; she is possibly one of the worst judges they’ve had. Yes she won last year but maybe, just maybe the X Factor should be less about the judges and more about the talent on stage.

The X Factor Results Live Blog Week 4

Week 5 and yet another live blog for the X Factor results show. Who will leave and will there be another DEADLOCK? (Probably.)

They are all the same height... I've never noticed that before.

The X Factor Blog: X Factor Does (Very Little for) Halloween

It was pretty dull affair this week after the enjoyable Club Classics show. No Lucy Spraggan performance as she pulled a “Diana Vickers” and was off sick. She was put through to next week at the annoyance of some. Always bit of a difficult one this; I’m pretty sure the producers wouldn’t have given a bye to one of the less successful acts i.e. District3, Jade or Kye. 

Jade. She has a young daughter, did you know that?

What also showed X Factor up was how much effort Strictly Come Dancing put in. The X Factor had a couple of kids dressed up as the Droogs from A Clockwork Orange (really family friendly that. You fucking idiots) and Union J hanging about on a car. SCD had the themes from Scooby Doo and Weird Science. CHECK. MATE. 

Where the hell was Brian? Did they give him a week off? Well, they shouldn’t have. If anyone was needed for the Halloween episode, it’s Brian Friedman. And Dermot, I only want to see your double dance from now on. 

What else did I hate about this show? Tulisa looking like a spoilt brat for most of the show. Then, when Gary called her out for having fag ash breath she looked like she was going to blow a gasket. Or cry. Either way it was a bit uncomfortable and not what I expect from a 41 year old man. Although Louis' face was a picture.

ALL of the song choices were rubbish. When will somebody sing “Monster Mash”? Okay, so there’s probably only that, “Thriller” (which was been done numerous times) and the Ghostbusters theme that can be played on a Halloween night, but you know what? The producers wanted that theme so maybe you all should have put a tiny bit more effort into it.  Even just popping along to Pound Land and getting a few costumes would have looked better. Just wrapping someone in toilet roll WOULD HAVE LOOKED BETTER. Take a look at SCD; the make up and costumes were fantastic. The songs were a stroke of genius. MUST TRY HARDER X FACTOR. 

Let’s talk about the sing off. Why have it? Jade was never going to win the competition but she was so much better than Union J. There was never a chance the judges were going to get rid of the “new” One Direction though where they?

Nicole is the only shining light in this show; she looks like she's having fun and she's the only judge I want to hear from.  

One last thing; if I hear one more mash-up from anyone I’m going to throw my remote at the TV. And just watch SCD. 

The X Factor Results Week 2 Live Blog

This might not work, but welcome to some live blogging on the X Factor Results Show! Because there aren't enough opinions on the X Factor out there. 

Nicole is way too classy to point, and Gary only gives it the shoulder. Louis, Tulisa- TRYING TO HARD!

The X Factor Blog: Live Shows. Is That Your Final Answer Louis?

Full disclosure; thank goodness the X Factor results show was exactly like it was. Louis dithering, Gary is outraged and the worse singer is saved at the expense of a better, but more forgettable one. But let’s get back to Saturday first shall we? 2 hours and 20 minutes of mostly boredom. Rylan came on but it was too little too late, and he wasn’t as entertaining as the judges thought he was.

There's only one word... UNDERSTATED.

Let’s discuss Dermot and his dancing. What is it with Gangnam Style? Is it a style or just the name of the song? You can explain it to me but I think the truth of the matter is I’m too old and really don’t care. My god I hate “cool” YouTube videos that do the rounds.

First we had the wildcard and it was a bit of a shock as Christopher Maloney went through in front of much more delightful Amy. What the hell was that stupidly dramatic and over the top cry and roll he did? Stuff like that just shows how fake and insincere you are. It was funny how his “crippling nerves” disappeared when he performed on stage. Best putdown of the night goes to Nicole when she said to Christopher, “You might want a little burger with that cheese.” WAMMY. 

Most of the other contestants were also pretty bland. Lucy is one singer that I really have a problem with. One good audition and she has been pretty terrible ever since. She sang her own song which was instantly forgettable and not a patch on the X Factor’s other original song writer Chico and the much catchier, It’s Chico Time. Ella was the best by a mile but that doesn’t always guarantee a win. Misha B was the best last year but look what happened there. Ella is a nice girl but she’ll need something else. People loved Stacey Solomon before Cowell called her a singing candle then that was her chance gone. Saying all that though, she'll be a good girl (hopefully) stay at the headlines and win the whole thing. 

A quick word on the theme of the night. It was Olympic Night; not that they put any effort into it at all. They invited some Olympians but spent about 10 seconds acknowledging them. The theme is always a joke as the judges will just pick whatever song they want. Remember Jamie Afro singing a track off the soundtrack to Gummo. Classic.

How convenient a camera was there.

But to the results night. Dermot was getting angry with Louis, Gary made it obvious who the winner in the sing off should be and Rylan showed he really just can not sing. I loved every moment of it. Yes it’s made loads of headlines. There are screams of it being a fix and “real” talent is losing out to the joke acts but let’s be honest; as nice as Carolynne is she was never going to win. I sometimes think they put acts through like her so they can’t audition anymore. Anyway, she's gone now. We'll probably have forgotten her in a couple of weeks so let's see what Louis can mess up next week shall we?

The X Factor Blog: Holiday Time at Judges' Houses

It’s Judges’ Houses this week, where Dermot gets to go on 4 holidays in quick succession. Louis is in Las Vegas with Sharon Osbourne and her unmovable face, Nicole and Ne-Yo are in Dubai, Tulisa’s vile yellow hair and Tinie Tempah are in St. Lucia and Gary is at a lovely mansion in the heart of England with *SURPRISE* Cheryl Cole! So expect some waterworks and bad decisions as the judges whittle it down to the final 12.

CC flies in.

There were some easy decisions; Ella was always going through from the first audition. There were some obvious decisions; who was Brad in Gary’s category? Of course your lack of airtime means you aren’t making the live shows. There was a female version of The Peter Andre Principle in Jade Ellis. She’s got a kid don’t you know. She wants her kid to have nice things. And yes, she could just get a “normal” job but isn’t it better she goes on a TV talent show where she’s away from her kid for a few months? Then if she does win it she’ll be away from home even more! The money is much better than her being at home? Right? RIGHT? 

There seems to be an over abundance of crying this year too. And deary me, all the girls looked horrendous with their make-up running down their face. While we are on the subject of crying, how can we not mention Rylan in the most unconvincing performance in X Factor history? He is nowhere near as entertaining as Jedward, Wagner or even Chico. But he is about as annoying as Katie Waissel and Kitty Brucknell. They could at least hold a note though, whereas Rylan is just terrible. And why was he dressed as a Jedi? There was no way he wasn’t going through though, the X Factor needs an act like him; someone to divide opinion.

Another contestant I was a bit unsure about is Lucy Spraggan. While you can’t deny her first audition was extremely popular, the comparisons with Victoria Wood are obvious, but does she belong in this competition? She only had that one good audition, all her others have been quite average and she how will she cope singing Disco, Motown or Big Band? Let’s be honest, not all her songs are going to be as fun as her first. The other song she has sung was really forgettable; while they mean something to her, they aren’t actually very good. Tulisa made the biggest Gamu-shaped mistake this year; Amy should have gone through at the expense of Lucy who belongs on Britain’s Got Talent.

Lucy and that fucking guitar...

A few random irritations. What is Tulisa talking about when she’s on about her “muffins”? The guy who left MK1 for 33% must be happy, good luck trying to collect on that. I can’t stand the “it’s not good news… IT’S GREAT NEWS” line. It’s so annoying and lame. Stop it. And the unsurprising surprise twist involves the public picking up the phone for their favourite wildcard. Surely it must be Amy. Won’t it?

Cheryl Cole makes her “comeback” this week with best bud Gary. I’m convinced she wants her spot back on the panel and this is her little way of seeing if the public would take her back. She’ll be back as full time judge next year, and we’ll have Gamu auditioning too. Hey producers! You can have that story line if you want. I want 33% though please.

Final thought. We’ve got the final 12 but where’s my wind tunnel and classy make-overs that we always get? The Celebrity Squares format was not working for me.

Also, the contestants have sang Emile Sandi’s Read All About It now. You’ve used that song choice up, that’s it, once only, no more. LET’S NEVER HEAR OF IT AGAIN (Wishful thinking).

The X Factor Blog: Boot Camp- 72 Hours of Clichés

Let’s welcome Nicole Schenziger back to the panel full time. Anyone who’s been saying she should be dropped in favour of Mel B are crazy. Give her a chance, she hasn’t done anything yet. Mel B had that one montage of nasty comments and everybody was comparing her to some kind of reality TV show monster. The rest of her work was pretty average or dull. Why are we inviting the Spice Girls back into our lives???

So, everybody is back at X Factor Boot Camp again. The horrible VTs continue with us just “dropping by” to see the contestants pack their bags and head off to Liverpool. For most of them though they shouldn’t have got off the National Express as they were dumped before Boot Camp even kicked off in the big surprise twist. The big surprise twist that they did last year. They got a little party with JLS though so swings and roundabouts.

You will be missed Gathan.

The “This is my once in a lifetime opportunity” phrase they keep jabbering on about is a load of rubbish. We all know that the producers will get them to return next year. It should be called the Ex-Factor the ridiculous amount of ex contestants that have got through this far.

My favourite contestant was Gathan. There is a ready made boy band with him, Rylan and Octavio. Make it happen Louis, MAKE IT HAPPEN. Gathan is already convinced he has won the competition, it’s a shame he didn’t make Judges’ Houses. He would have been really entertaining come the live shows.

Anyone who shakes so much and is really nervous about performing, well maybe you’ve chosen the wrong career and you really shouldn’t be a national TV. It is so annoying and it does not endear me to you (see Jahmene, Christopher).

We also had a few shocks. Joseph Whelan, the guy who would give Peter Andre a run for this money in Dad of the year awards, seemed like an obvious choice to go to Judges’ Houses but fell short.

Rylan Clark. You know what the best thing about him? The fact he wears t-shirts with his face on them like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

One of Rylan's many t-shirts.

Where the hell did James Arthur’s Deidre glasses come from? You can’t expect to add them and nobody is to mention them??

How do people let themselves be judged by Tulisa when she decided on having scarecrow straw-yellow hair?

Was there a separate Jade category we weren’t informed about?

We had Simon Cowell’s contractual involvement to try to get the ratings up by ringing the judges to tell them who their category was. Absolutely pointless. Louis has the groups AGAIN. Gary has the Overs, Nicole is with the boys and Tulisa is with the girls. Why did Tulisa shout like that when Simon called her? She pulled possibly the most unattractive face she could have pulled. She does my head in.

So it’s Judges’ House next week. Let’s see who makes a massive mistake and leaves someone great out. It’ll be Louis. It's always Louis.

The X Factor Blog: End of Auditions

It's the last of the auditions this week; they seem to have gone on forever this year, so we end on another double episode full of men fawning over Tulisa, a new tactic to get noticed and Bianca Gascoigne.

First up we have an older gentleman who seems to hate Tulisa. His “average old man audition” didn’t set Tulisa’s ears alight and he was quite forthcoming in his opinion. “It was that fucking Tulisa’s fault.” Calm down granddad!

Don't smile too much Gary.

Rita Ora was back and obsessed with finding someone who knows themselves. What the hell does that actually mean? Especially in a karaoke competition?

Some great sob stories returned this week. The Rebecca Ferguson Story “I had kids young and gave up my DREAM.” Wow, way to blame your children on your existence. There was also a new tactic to getting on stage this week, someone claimed to have gone to school with Tulisa. Now, we know that’s a lie. Tulisa never went to school. She was far too busy being “gangsta” with her cousin and getting terrible tattoos. There was another Jane McDonald-esq wannabe with an annoying Nan, the women claimed she was 33 years old, but I highly doubt that. 

One of the oddest auditions of the weekend was Bianca Gascoigne. Not sure how I feel about ‘celebrities’ (this word is used in the loosest term possible) auditioning. Some ex-contestants don’t know when to say “You know what? I’ve had a couple of goes, it’s not worked out, and it’s time to choose another career.” The judges really shouldn’t tell people they are a star, and this is what they should be doing. Because they probably SHOULD be doing something else. How long before we have X Factor WINNERS auditioning again? Slightly surprised they didn’t let her go to the next round (they let through far worse people) if only for a bit more publicity in the papers.

Not the worse voice of the competition.

The guitars make me want to scream. This isn’t The Voice. And what about Tulisa vs. Louis? Neither are current. Tulisa is so chav-tastic and the whole “I’m really tough” attitude is so weak it’s embarrassing. And Louis “I’ve sold a billion records” or whatever, no one cares what he has to say. Tulisa moaning about fish and chips was a bit weird too, she probably should have just toughed it out.

The section that must have been entitled “Everybody Loves Tulisa” was bullshit. That many men all in love with her doesn’t seem natural. Put Nicole next to her and let’s see who they choose.  

So the auditions are all wrapped up now and Boot Camp awaits. Expect “surprise twists”, people getting kicked out and maybe a band put together of rejects. Not long till the Live Shows, let’s get on with this shall we?

 

The X Factor Blog: Anyone Seen Nicole?

It’s an X Factor double bill weekend so that’s more guest judges, more guitars and more wannabes. Also, while I think about it, has anyone seen Nicole Scherzinger? She’s the fourth X Factor judge, ex-Pussycat Doll? She was around a bit at the start of the series but seems to have disappeared? No worries, I’m sure she’ll turn up. One way or the other. 

Was she ever seriously considered for the 4th judge?

So, Geri Halliwell turned up this week and if you thought last weeks contestants were grating then get ready for Geri. One Spice Girl was more than enough, who’s bright idea was two? Yes, they were are fun band in the 90s but let’s move on that shall we? Geri is possibly the most annoyingly needy person I’ve seen on any TV talent show. When she started speaking in a Scouse accent and arguing with Gary about who sold more records, dear god the nation was losing the will to live. We only have ourselves to blame though. We bought those Spice Girl records, over a DECADE AGO. She thinks we still love her. She just tries too hard to please everybody, thank goodness she wasn’t the rumoured 4th official judge. Honestly, Sinitta would have been a better choice. Think about that for a moment. SINITTA. 

To the contestants. And we had Jason from Vietnam who kept saying “Tulisha”. My, my the judges couldn’t get over that, it was getting quite uncomfortable when they kept shouting at him “TULISSSSSSSA!” It’s a stupid name anyway and the guy has an accent. He was better than they thought at least. 

Let’s talk about MK1. The N-Dubz wanna-band (why, why WHY model yourself on such a heinous group?) had the age old X Factor decision of dumping the runt of the litter; a complete dork who I’m convinced had an elaborate plan all along. He knew he was shit, but was waiting for the moment to say “I’ll go but I want 33% of your future earning.” Good luck with that one mate. Is that a binding contract? 

Then there’s some idiot who calls himself Eddy String. “The new Frankie Cocozza” people were claiming. He looks like a walking STD, and yet another gobshite. My goodness the producers are scraping the barrel this year.

The least offensive picture I could find.

And while we are talking about scrapping the barrel what about Lorna Bliss. That lap dance was horrendous to watch. If I was working backstage on the X Factor I’d have to think about my life choices as I pushed her towards the stage. The Britney Spears look-a-like who has been on so many TV show; Snog, Marry, Avoid, Dating In The Dark and most worryingly Britain’s Got Talent, among others. Why is BGT most worrying? Because it means the ITV producers knew EXACTLY what they were getting with her. They knew she was crap but gave a bit of shock value to, let’s be honest, a slightly underwhelming series so far. It screams out that they have no new ideas left and that there is nowhere else for this show to go. The judges aren’t helping either, they are just too bland. They all have good and bad points but none of them make this show must watch television any more. And that’s the problem. I can’t stand Bruce Forsyth (how OLD IS THAT MAN?) and the smuggest women on TV Tess Daly but I have a feeling Strictly Come Dancing might make better TV this year. If they got some better hosts I would turn over in an instant. The dancers may not wear much more than a Britney Spears look-a-like body stocking but they look classier. 

One final thought; let’s take a moment to think about the state of Louis Walsh’s hair. What the hell is going on there? 

The X Factor Blog: The Peter Andre Principle

Let’s get this out of the way first; I HATE when they do the “let’s listen into their conversations” bit. It’s a horribly, cheap TOWIE-esq way of seeing what people think. And it wastes far too much of the episodes on them. This series seems to have had the fewest auditions ever. Maybe because there just isn’t that much talent that want to audition? 

There is some kind of crazy in those eyes...

Speaking of "talent", the first auditionee is a lady called Nicola. And my god she’s annoying, every episode has started with someone who has about a quarter of the running time to themselves but isn’t actually very good. She just won’t shut up. Even the judges are getting tired of her and when you are annoying Mel B you know you're doing something right/ wrong. She dances like Jane McDonald would do to dub-step. It was terribly 90s, but she went through. Aye carumba. THIS is the best of the best?

Then we had a quick montage of “yes” contestants (because who wants to see the good contestants am I right??) before we head back to crazy town. An embarrassing mum who has dragged her kids along to really show them up seems genuinely surprised when they say no. She can’t pick up the sarcasm in Gary’s voice. Are people that delusional?? Or maybe she just really hates her kids. 

Scotland's best. Also a part time fairy. 

Then we come to possibly my favourite sob story ever. We had the Ultimate Sob Story last week so I think the writers took a week off here. We have a father, who loves his kid (a bit like Peter Andre, but probably no way near as much). That’s it. That’s the best they can come up with. We’re only in week 3! Oh wait, he’s a SINGLE father (“JUST like Peter Andre! And EVERYONE LOVES him don’t they??” Says an ITV executive). It won’t be long before the ex sells her story in New magazine or the Sunday Mirror, I guarantee. I am calling this strategy The Peter Andre Principle. Just tell people you love your kids and you'll win them over. 

Guest judges-wise we had Anastacia and Mel B. Anastacia was okay, funny in places and seemed nice. Not the strongest judge we've ever seen but not the worst. Mel B was back and by the look of it they had used all the harsh put downs in week one. 

The roadshow then heads into Scotland, where (and I’m only being honest like Tulisa) it’s always shit. Some truly worryingly mental people, mostly unemployed women I have to say. Even the token good contestant thought she was a fairy. My favourite exchange was between Dermot and a women who just got the “No, no, no, no" treatment, Dermot asked what would she do now. The women replied “Get drunk.” And Dermot finished with “Again. Great.”  

Welcome to Scotland. 

The X Factor Blog: The Return Of The Sob Story

What is the X Factor without it's sob stories? Some may say The Voice, but even they knew the power of some over egged life story. ("My goldfish got ill, this is for you Sharky!") We are getting into the swing of things in episode 2 with some massive sob stories and a familiar face (if you were one of about 5 people who watched a Sky Living reality TV show).

What would you call this look?

Let’s say hello to Rylan Clark; Fake Baked to within an inch of his life, hair straightened, manicured and made up. Why did no one mention he has been on another show, Signed By Katie Price? He was the runner up, or as he likes to put it “the male winner.” Singing the song “Kissing You “ from Romeo + Juliet (he didn’t know the artist- it’s Des’ree) it was actually an Ibiza remix. Great choice for a singing competition. But I would never mention Des’ree as all I ever think of is this when I hear her name. Gary (or “G” as Rylan named him) was the only one who said his voice was weak. They had a lot of build up on him so there was no way they were going to say no to such a “personality.” Louis didn’t get it but I have a feeling he doesn’t get a lot that goes on around him. 

Everyone loves it when somebody brings a guitar to the party.

I mentioned it before, especially on The Voice and Britain's Got Talent, but whoever is in charge of the social networking aspect of these shows needs to work harder. #NerveWrack? I never seen one of these trend. And who the hell let guitars in? Lucy Spraggan I’m looking at you. Compete with yet another horrendous hash-tag, #beerfear, while she was different to what the X Factor is used to I found her to be a cross between Victoria Wood, Ed Helms and Kate Nash. She just will not work on the live shows. Even Matt “credible artist” Cardle had to wear yellow jeans and sing pop. These kind of artists belong on BGT. She’s probably better than “Where’s Me Keys, Where’s Me Phone” but she’s still in the same bracket. How is she going to sing pop songs (when most of her song was talking) and give a big performance? I just can’t see how she fits in later on in the series. 

Fantastic, another guitar. 

We then travel to Newcastle which is renowned for it’s lack of talent when it comes to X Factor auditions. Do they really need to go there now Cheryl Cole isn’t on the panel? Let’s be honest, what’s the point? After a day of pure drivel we get James come on to the stage. Ah, James. I bet the X Factor judges couldn’t believe their luck when you came through the door. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the ULTIMATE SOB STORY.

• Number 1. His parents spilt up when he was young. “That’s okay but we need MORE!” 
• Number 2. He gets suspended from school, and blames his parents. Yeah because that’s one thing he should never do is TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS. 
• Number 3. He volunteered himself for foster care. Keep in mind it’s ALL THE PARENTS FAULT. I can just hear the producer saying “Yes, yes that’s all great but do you know what would be even better? Getting your mum and dad together in a room for the first time in 22 years. DYNAMITE!” 

Sigh. The judges are so moved that these parents can put a side their differences and come together because of the amazing talent their unemployed 24 year old son has. Excuse me if I’m not reaching for the hankies just yet. There’s something I don’t like about him, maybe because he sang a Tulisa song. Sorry, her only song. Another guitar Cardle, I don’t see these people working in the later stages of the competition. 

I’ve not even mentioned Rita Ora. She was nice, but to be honest I don’t know who she is. I did see Tulisa furiously scribbling down notes though when Rita was telling her how she got signed with Jay-Z. Good luck with that, Tulisa. 

Next week we have Geri Halliwell guest judging. Thank god for Sky+. 

The X Factor Blog: It's Back! And It's The Same As Ever.

Even though it’s never been far away from our thoughts (or newspapers), TV's biggest talent show is back for a 9th series with the hashtag "Whose time is now?"

But before we get to the contestants let’s say hello to our X Factor judges. The unmovable Louis is back (TV’s version of a barnacle) alongside Gary Barlow and “the girl everyone is talking about” Tulisa. Let’s be honest, no one is talking about her, it seems to be her who won’t shut up about the little tape she made. New series, new judge and the editors have gone into hyperdrive making it look like Nicole Scherzinger has been there from the beginning instead of some uninspiring hirings (wait, is that Anastasia I saw? What is this, the year 2000?)

Louis, sightly over dressed methinks. 

So Dermot is back with a great opening VT in where he tells us about a few success stories. We’ve got Olly Murs on a photo shoot (of course he’s probably most famous for presenting the X Factor’s sister show The Xtra Factor), then there’s Alexandra Burke. I think Dermot was getting at the fact that without the duet with Beyoncé, the biggest star in the world, she would in no way have beaten JLS. Then we end on Simon Cowell’s brainchild and legacy to the X Factor, One Direction. Their fans are truly terrifying and have some how made them into one of the biggest boy bands in the world. No mention of Leon Jackson, Matt Cardle or Shayne Ward… Shanye really should have been a massive star, Cowell’s label really dropped the ball with him. 

We then have some smack talk from the judges. There’s Tulisa bleating, “I’m always going to say what I think.” Shut up, that’s not always a good thing you know. Then there is Gary failing to see the irony when he talks about the talent Team GB showed in the Olympics. Not sure you can compare the years of hard work those athletes do to some of the “acts” on the X Factor who have just played a couple of hours on Singstar. Louis (they still call him a “music manager” but does he actually manager anyone anymore? And has anyone ever said anything nice about him as a manager?) takes a little dig at BBC by saying it’s not all about the voice. Nicole seems really sweet so it’s hard to believe when she says “I’m a scary bitch.” To be fair, I imagine you have to be to be part of the Pussycat Dolls. 

The judges have been introduced, the crowd are ready so let’s get the contestants on! And how lame were they? I’m not sure you should ever start a series with a joke act; that just sets the tone. Welcome some lad who works in Nandos carrying a photo of him and Pixie Lott, putting on a voice so he sounds like Louis Armstrong. Oh. 

I bet I know her favourite colour...

Who else have we got? Some Pink wannabe who sings a Pink song but doesn’t want to be like Pink. Well for starters, why did you get the same hair cut as her? And Emilé Sande (her other song choice)? I thought the judges gave her quite constructive criticism, especially for them. It’s a shame she went off in a huff saying “you told me to sing a Pink song!” And why did her dad, a Tom Jones impersonator, drag her back on stage? Who am I kidding, I loved it. Particularly the colourful language she used. She will definitely be back next year. The producers are playing the long game with her, mark my words. Special mention goes to the use of the Inception soundtrack over her breakdown, great usage there music editor!

Then there was Mel B, who was nicknamed “Grumpy Spice.” She hated EVERYONE, even some old granddad. Although there was someone at the end, who she said yes to but to be honest I can’t remember anybody good. I’m not really a fan of hers but in some corners people liked her because she reminded them of Simon; yes she was nasty but that’s about it. 

It was business as usual then at the X Factor, but if the ratings are anything to go by people are getting a little tired of seeing the same old stories rehashed. It’s not panic stations yet but there needs to be some really great acts in the audition stages to get a buzz going. If not, by the time December comes around we might have another Steve Brookstein on our hands.