The X Factor Blog: Normal Service Resumed

It was coming, we all knew it; Rylan has left the X Factor. Love him or loathe him we all ended up talking about him. I really enjoyed some of his performances, but it was the banter with Gary that I will miss. He always gave as good as he got and by all accounts, he was a really nice guy. No one had a bad word to say about him and I loved his swansong where he hugged Gary. He knew he was going. I would have rather Union J went; they are so bland and boring. As usual Louis Walsh is ruining them, as he ruins all the acts he mentors.

Rylan sure has a certain style...

So the semi finals are next week and we have a real threat of Christopher Maloney not only getting to the final but winning. Union J have been in the bottom 2 three times so they have no chance of winning. We all know exactly how this is going to happen. James third, Jahmene second, Maloney the winner. If he wins, that might just be the final nail in the coffin to this show. Not only will they need a massive rethink for next year, but they are going to have to concentrate even more on getting all those viewers back who have given up.

No one seems to know who is voting for Christopher, and he seemed really fed up last week when the judges were giving him absolutely useless feedback. They don’t even know what to say to him anymore. They slate him, people vote. They praise him, people vote. They comment on the scary lasers coming from his eyes, or the crazy dancers around him or that he was singing “For Nandos”; it just doesn’t matter, people vote. It would be funny if he did win; the only act that the judges didn’t take through and he wins. That’ll show up how bloody terrible the judges actually are. There are lots of stories in the press about him; who knows how true they are. Maybe he is getting the sympathy vote; if so then the judges need to start critiquing him properly and not compare him to cornflakes or whatever the hell Nicole was on about. Maybe if they start saying he’s the next global superstar people will get bored of voting for him.

We’ve had Simon Cowell tweeting that he wants people to vote for the people who are their favourites, but maybe that’s what they are doing. A lot of people buy Jane McDonald’s albums, who’s to say they won’t buy Maloney’s music? If they want to find a relevant artist they need to do some drastic changes next year, and stop treating the general public like idiots.

Farewell Rylan for now. I will be very disappointed if you don’t make at least a guest appearance on TOWIE soon.

The X Factor Blog: It's Back! And It's The Same As Ever.

Even though it’s never been far away from our thoughts (or newspapers), TV's biggest talent show is back for a 9th series with the hashtag "Whose time is now?"

But before we get to the contestants let’s say hello to our X Factor judges. The unmovable Louis is back (TV’s version of a barnacle) alongside Gary Barlow and “the girl everyone is talking about” Tulisa. Let’s be honest, no one is talking about her, it seems to be her who won’t shut up about the little tape she made. New series, new judge and the editors have gone into hyperdrive making it look like Nicole Scherzinger has been there from the beginning instead of some uninspiring hirings (wait, is that Anastasia I saw? What is this, the year 2000?)

Louis, sightly over dressed methinks. 

So Dermot is back with a great opening VT in where he tells us about a few success stories. We’ve got Olly Murs on a photo shoot (of course he’s probably most famous for presenting the X Factor’s sister show The Xtra Factor), then there’s Alexandra Burke. I think Dermot was getting at the fact that without the duet with Beyoncé, the biggest star in the world, she would in no way have beaten JLS. Then we end on Simon Cowell’s brainchild and legacy to the X Factor, One Direction. Their fans are truly terrifying and have some how made them into one of the biggest boy bands in the world. No mention of Leon Jackson, Matt Cardle or Shayne Ward… Shanye really should have been a massive star, Cowell’s label really dropped the ball with him. 

We then have some smack talk from the judges. There’s Tulisa bleating, “I’m always going to say what I think.” Shut up, that’s not always a good thing you know. Then there is Gary failing to see the irony when he talks about the talent Team GB showed in the Olympics. Not sure you can compare the years of hard work those athletes do to some of the “acts” on the X Factor who have just played a couple of hours on Singstar. Louis (they still call him a “music manager” but does he actually manager anyone anymore? And has anyone ever said anything nice about him as a manager?) takes a little dig at BBC by saying it’s not all about the voice. Nicole seems really sweet so it’s hard to believe when she says “I’m a scary bitch.” To be fair, I imagine you have to be to be part of the Pussycat Dolls. 

The judges have been introduced, the crowd are ready so let’s get the contestants on! And how lame were they? I’m not sure you should ever start a series with a joke act; that just sets the tone. Welcome some lad who works in Nandos carrying a photo of him and Pixie Lott, putting on a voice so he sounds like Louis Armstrong. Oh. 

I bet I know her favourite colour...

Who else have we got? Some Pink wannabe who sings a Pink song but doesn’t want to be like Pink. Well for starters, why did you get the same hair cut as her? And Emilé Sande (her other song choice)? I thought the judges gave her quite constructive criticism, especially for them. It’s a shame she went off in a huff saying “you told me to sing a Pink song!” And why did her dad, a Tom Jones impersonator, drag her back on stage? Who am I kidding, I loved it. Particularly the colourful language she used. She will definitely be back next year. The producers are playing the long game with her, mark my words. Special mention goes to the use of the Inception soundtrack over her breakdown, great usage there music editor!

Then there was Mel B, who was nicknamed “Grumpy Spice.” She hated EVERYONE, even some old granddad. Although there was someone at the end, who she said yes to but to be honest I can’t remember anybody good. I’m not really a fan of hers but in some corners people liked her because she reminded them of Simon; yes she was nasty but that’s about it. 

It was business as usual then at the X Factor, but if the ratings are anything to go by people are getting a little tired of seeing the same old stories rehashed. It’s not panic stations yet but there needs to be some really great acts in the audition stages to get a buzz going. If not, by the time December comes around we might have another Steve Brookstein on our hands. 

X Factor USA Judges Revealed.. And yeah it IS Britney!

The worst part of The X Factor (UK and US) is the never ending stories about who is going to be on the judging panel. My god it's tedious. Some ridiculous names always get thrown around; Katy Perry, Rhianna, Sharon Osbourne, Beyonce, Cheryl Cole (again). And to be honest I thought Britney Spears was another one. Why would she want to do it? Oh sure there's a massive paycheck at the end of it, but there's really no hiding away on a show this size. You have to show some personality, especially on the live shows.

The Gang's All Here (Picture from Britney's Twitter account)

But here she is; one of the biggest celebrities on the planet, and Simon Cowell got her. Anyone saying she hasn't enough experience obviously doesn't know anything; in theory she is perfect for this show. IN THEORY. This is the kind of person they are looking for, so you'd hope she could spot talent coming a mile off. The only thing I'd worry about is is she ready for it? It's a hell of a big job and isn't her dad still her guardian (or something)? I really hope she does well, I like Britney and always hoped Justin Timberlake would have come back to rescue her.

Demi Lovato is the other new judge and I have to say I'm intrigued. She's been through quite a bit publicly for a 19 year old (not unlike Ms Spears) and she will bring one hell of a Disney audience with her too. Lots of talk about paychecks with Demi netting a $1 million to Britney's $15 million. Let's be honest though, Simon needed a big name and they don't come much bigger than Britney Spears; $15 million is going to seem like a drop in the ocean if Simon gets the ratings he's being bragging about. And come on; nearly anyone would have been better than Paula Abdul and Nicole Scherzinger.

Both girls have been through a lot and I think it's fair to say they seem quite fragile; lets hope Simon knows what he's doing and, along with LA Reid and himself, he's brought together an ultimate team. Suit up.

A Non-Returning Misfit, X Factor Global Commitments and Amanda Holden Being Kind Of A Bitch

Lots of stories floating round Celebville this week and some not too nice at all.

No more Kelly unfortunately. 

A story I had no idea was going on concluded in court this week when Lauren Socha (Kelly in Misfits) pleaded guilty to racially aggravated assault on a taxi driver. It's such a sad story; one, it's a truly horrible attack and something I would never wish on anybody and two; why would she do this when she had such a promising acting career in front of her? She was my (and many others) favourite character, so in a totally obvious move, E4 have confirmed she will not be returning to the new series. She also won a BAFTA for Best Supporting Actress last year so was clearly going places. E4 did say that her return was agreed months ago and is not connected to conviction but I find that hard to swallow. So that leaves Curtis as the only original (and possibly the dullest) character left in Misfits. But I'll wait and see, I was proved wrong when Nathan left so hopefully there's life in the show yet.

She can stop doing that as well.

In other news we've definitely got a new judge on The X Factor along with 3 returning ones. Not sure what Louis Walsh has over Simon Cowell but there he is, once again. Tulisa (her sex tape has literally done her only good) and miserable dad figure Gary Barlow is back. So that just leaves poor old Kelly Rowland out in cold. Her spokesman says it's down to her "global commitments" I say it's more to do with the the sickie she pulled last year. I've heard some excuses but I'm going to use "global commitments" next time I need to get out of a fix. It's a shame as she started off as a great judge but something happened to her on the live shows; people just ended up hating her. At least she can be rest assured that she will never be as terrible at Alexandra Burke. Again, I found Gary and Tulisa much better in the earlier stages. Tulisa especially turned out not to be so smart with her comments; Misha B and "Bully-gate" come to mind.

It's the only photo I could find...

Another story that caught my eye was Amanda Holden saying that she has watched Tulisa's sex tape. OK, why are you telling us that? Even if she was asked about it she could have politely declined to answer. And then she said it was Alesha who sent it to her. Kind of a douche thing to do; Alesha Dixon wasn't there to defend herself, so why would Amanda bring her into it? Not really fair on Tulisa either who has been pretty honest and upfront with it and I think just wants to forget it. It just makes Amanda look nasty and bitter; she always seems so jealous of other women. She wasn't very nice about Kelly Brook when she was on the Britain's Got Talent panel for about 4 days. It seems a really sly and underhanded thing to say when everyone else has moved on; it's not like her past is whiter than white. Check yourself Holden before you wreck yourself; you won't be in Cowell's favour forever.

Koalas Carrying Chlamydia, A Tell-All-Book And Smacking Your Face On A Car Door.

As usual in celeb land, this week has been busy. And I have to say I've heard some of my favourite stories this week too.

Why don't we start with Alex Reid? The self proclaimed "Reidinator" pulled out of the London Marathon this week. Oh that's a shame, you may think, but for me it was the way he pulled out. He twisted his ankle while he was practising for his show Wildboyz. Now, Wildboyz is another blog post entirely. If anyone saw This Morning the other day you know how bloody ridiculous it is. It "stars" Alex Reid (ex-Katie Price), Danny Young (he used to be in Corrie), Dale Howard (he was on Big Brother) and Marcus Patrick (Hollyoaks, of course) and all I know is they take their shirts off. That's as much as they had practised for This Morning anyhow. It looks absolutely shocking. But I digress. So Alex Reid is in Harley Street, having a scan on his ankle. He then goes to his car, smacks his head on the car door and breaks his teeth. So he has to go back in to the doctors and have emergency surgery. YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT UP.

There's so much I hate about this photo...

We've had loads of stories coming out (BUT NOT HIM) about Simon Cowell. The biggest revelation is that him and Dannii Minogue had a fling when they were both single on the X Factor. It's since been confirmed that it was true, but that's not stopped the rumours circling around that Simon Cowell is gay. As he said though, why wouldn't he just admit it? I have to think he's right, I don't think it would make a blind bit of difference if he came out. Some other stories include that he was memorised by Cheryl Cole, he has botox, he feels betrayed over Sharon Osbourne's rant, him and ITV are at loggerheads over everything and he buys black toilet roll. I'd buy the book but Digital Spy seemed to have covered everything of slight interest.

Who'd have thought...?

And finally a little story about One Direction. Harry Styles and Liam Payne think they might have contracted chlamydia through koala urine. YEAH, RIGHT. YOUR PARENTS WILL BELIEVE THAT! I've heard some excuses in my time but this has got to be one of the best. They may be young but they're not that stupid... Are they? They had a photo shoot with koala bears and now think they may have caught the disease. Apparently 80% of koalas are infected with chlamydia but it's highly unlikely it could be passed on to humans. Better think of another excuse boys!

1D on The X Factor... So young! And ridiculously successful. 

What's Up With BGT?

It can't just be me who thinks Britain's Got Talent has been really disappointing this year. Battles in the media with The Voice, some really mediocre acts, loads of hash tags, Amanda Holden; are we over Britain's Got Talent?

The only shining light is David Walliams- he is perfect for BGT. Makes he think why didn't they have a comedian from the beginning? Michael McIntyre was good last year but this job was made for David. He seems to be the only judge who doesn't give a toss what Simon Cowell thinks.

So, I've come up with a few suggestions on how to improve the show:

1. Get people on the panel who have something to say.

Why do the women on BGT always come across as dull? Amanda Holden is truly the most insipid person on panel shows at the moment. She has nothing to say and always looks to see what face Simon is pulling before deciding what she thinks of each act. I hated Piers Morgan but at least he had his own mind and said what he thought. I like Alesha Dixon but she is just a void. And I thought The Hoff was bad.

2. Get rid of Stephen Mulhern.

I'm not sure why, but this guy just doesn't belong on even ITV2. He thinks he's as good as Ant & Dec; he's not. He's always on This Morning promoting BGT-I'm sure he's just doing all the crap And & Dec can't be bothered to do. The thing I hate, which I suppose I can't blame him for, is the fact ITV seem to be trying to make him into the next big thing in presenting. Why are ITV trying to find him shows? What the hell was that The Big Quiz: Benidorm vs Essex he did on Sunday? It's just a massive ITV love in, I despise shows like that. Go back to doing magic; you were alright at that.

3. Give it a break next year.

Give it a year off, it might refresh it. It gives people a chance to miss it, and hopefully some more time for better acts to appear.

4. Talk less about other shows, concentrate more on your own.

Stop with these stupid media battles in the press, The Voice has beaten you at the minute. Suck it up and improve the show- get some good acts into the final, tell the judges to pull their socks up and have some constructive comments to say. David Walliams is naturally funny; Simon, Alesha and Amanda are not.

5. Decide what you're looking for

People always say "why are there singers in the competition?" I agree to a point, but Susan Boyle wouldn't have gone on X Factor would she? Neither would have Paul Potts. Maybe don't bother too much with the young, cute singers who obviously WOULD make the cut for Simon's other reality show. It just makes it boring. I want to see magicians, basketball acts and dance troupes. Leave the singers for The Voice and the X Factor.

These might work but of course, it maybe that we've just found all the talent Britain has to offer.

The Voice Vs Britain's Got Talent

What a week for reality TV. We've got the return of The Apprentice (I'll come back to that another time) and one hell of a Saturday night. It's the return of Britain's Got Talent and new show on the block The Voice. Titans will clash!




Where to start? How about the judges, as let's be honest, they are the main reason we watch these shows. Simon Cowell is back on the panel with the juggernaut that is Britain's Got Talent. And, thank goodness he is back. As much as I love Michael McIntyre (the only judge I did like last year) the show seemed to get even worse when Cowell joined in at the live stages. He didn't know what the hell was going on, so he couldn't really say if they got better or worse, only that he probably wouldn't have put them through. On the other side we have Tom Jones (he's top judge right?) who has been quite vocal about the obvious rivalry between the two shows. He's been quoted as saying "I have problems when people who have never got up on a stage to sing judge those who do. Who are they to say? Simon Cowell is a record man, not a singer." He reckons The Voice has the edge as all 4 judges are singers. Interesting comment but BGT isn't all about singers. I'll get to the talent later. The Voice seems to be competing, and arguing, with the X Factor. Someone should tell them it's not on yet.

On the rest the BGT panel we've got stalwart Amanda Holden who brings literally nothing to the panel. Sure she's a nice women, and okay she's on the stage but the only thing I remember her for is marrying Les Dennis and then having an affair with Neil Morrissey on the set of Happy Birthday Shakespeare, a lame BBC drama. She's the Louis Walsh of BGT. She's like a barnacle but with pretty dresses and nice hair.

Then we've got the 2 new recruits David Walliams and Alesha Dixon. Alesha obviously isn't going the way of Kelly Brook (I think she might have been alright if you gave her some time) and hopefully she'll bring some Tulisa style "attitude" from the X Factor. As long as it's but not the Alexandra Burke kind of attitude OK DOT COM. And David Walliams has made me laugh on the trailer that was released last week, alright it was because he was doing a funny run but I still laughed. He's a direct swap from Michael McIntrye, so here's hoping he is funny.





On The Voice we've also got Jessie J, will.i.am and Danny O'Donoghue. Well. Jessie J is so hot right know, she makes sense but it's not like she has LOADS of experience. But then it didn't do Cheryl Cole no harm. I liked her on Judges' Houses on X Factor though so I think she will hold her own. I can't stand Black Eyed Peas and will.i.am's music but someone does, they can't be that popular without a whole lot of fans. And he is quite a well respected producer, so again, fair enough. Now who the hell is Danny O'Donoghue? I went from thinking it was Daniel O'Donnell to Danny from McFly, but finally found out he was from The Script. Now, excuse my lack of music knowledge but I have no idea who The Script are, they ring a slight bell but I couldn't name any of their songs. Who knows what he will be like?

Personally I think BGT has reached it's peak and that was a few years ago with the Diversity Vs Susan Boyle final. That was great TV. Diversity's routine was beyond amazing, I even remember voting for them. And let's not forget Susan Boyle's audition, something they've not been able to pull off since. Reality TV at it's best. There is no other show in the world that would have put them together. The Voice is just another singing show with a tweak to the format. It all depends on the calibre of contestants really.

I can't remember who won last year on BGT, so they really need something special this year. Same goes for The Voice. Without good contestants it's just 4 judges sitting at a table moaning at people.

The so-called ratings battle will probably be won by BGT but can they keep the viewers? We'll know soon enough. Yeah television!