The X Factor Blog: The Peter Andre Principle

Let’s get this out of the way first; I HATE when they do the “let’s listen into their conversations” bit. It’s a horribly, cheap TOWIE-esq way of seeing what people think. And it wastes far too much of the episodes on them. This series seems to have had the fewest auditions ever. Maybe because there just isn’t that much talent that want to audition? 

There is some kind of crazy in those eyes...

Speaking of "talent", the first auditionee is a lady called Nicola. And my god she’s annoying, every episode has started with someone who has about a quarter of the running time to themselves but isn’t actually very good. She just won’t shut up. Even the judges are getting tired of her and when you are annoying Mel B you know you're doing something right/ wrong. She dances like Jane McDonald would do to dub-step. It was terribly 90s, but she went through. Aye carumba. THIS is the best of the best?

Then we had a quick montage of “yes” contestants (because who wants to see the good contestants am I right??) before we head back to crazy town. An embarrassing mum who has dragged her kids along to really show them up seems genuinely surprised when they say no. She can’t pick up the sarcasm in Gary’s voice. Are people that delusional?? Or maybe she just really hates her kids. 

Scotland's best. Also a part time fairy. 

Then we come to possibly my favourite sob story ever. We had the Ultimate Sob Story last week so I think the writers took a week off here. We have a father, who loves his kid (a bit like Peter Andre, but probably no way near as much). That’s it. That’s the best they can come up with. We’re only in week 3! Oh wait, he’s a SINGLE father (“JUST like Peter Andre! And EVERYONE LOVES him don’t they??” Says an ITV executive). It won’t be long before the ex sells her story in New magazine or the Sunday Mirror, I guarantee. I am calling this strategy The Peter Andre Principle. Just tell people you love your kids and you'll win them over. 

Guest judges-wise we had Anastacia and Mel B. Anastacia was okay, funny in places and seemed nice. Not the strongest judge we've ever seen but not the worst. Mel B was back and by the look of it they had used all the harsh put downs in week one. 

The roadshow then heads into Scotland, where (and I’m only being honest like Tulisa) it’s always shit. Some truly worryingly mental people, mostly unemployed women I have to say. Even the token good contestant thought she was a fairy. My favourite exchange was between Dermot and a women who just got the “No, no, no, no" treatment, Dermot asked what would she do now. The women replied “Get drunk.” And Dermot finished with “Again. Great.”  

Welcome to Scotland. 

Peter Andre's Bad Boyfriends Club and Other Shit ITV Have Said "Yes Let's Commission That, I Want An Early Lunch."

After the disaster of Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights and the drubbing that followed it you would think ITV might want to do something a bit different with their new shows. Some new blood and original ideas. Well. You're wrong. The first totally original idea is Peter Andre's Bad Boyfriends Club (NO IT'S NOTHING LIKE E4'S TOOL ACADEMY). He's going to turn the nations hopeless boyfriends into hopeless romantics. 

Never has there been someone so untalented but oh so smug.

Calling all ladies!! Is your boyfriend "always watching the football over your shoulder? Does he take less pride in his appearance than he did when you first started dating?" If YOUR relationship is suffering Pete will help!! Yeah, because I'll take advice from a divorced father of 2 who "conveniently" only dates girls who are signed to the same PR company. I mean, really. Here's an idea girls. If you're dating a big fat waste of space who loves football/his mates/everything else more than you, don't call Peter Andre. Just dump the loser. Because I can guarantee if your boyfriend doesn't listen to you, he sure as hell won't listen to Peter "Insania" Andre. 

What else has ITV up their sleeves?? Dear god, Surprise Surprise is back for a one off special. With Holly "I really don't think I'm on TV enough" Willoughby. It took us long enough to get rid of this shit, why bring it back?

We've got AN AMAZING (yes they use capital letters) new comedy hypnotism game show called I Know What You Did Last Week. A nice, threatening title for a show with Rufus Hound who was found wondering the halls of ITV2 after he didn't want to be on Celebrity Juice any more. I was just thinking we could do with a new hypnotism game show too! It's just an excuse to laugh at idiots who think this kind of show would be a good idea, mainly the after pub crowd. Unless it's got Paul McKenna in it, I don't want it. 

My favourite must be a show called The Resort. They want to pack off some young people to a beach resort and see what happens. It's TOWIE on a beach (again). So a bit like Made In Chelsea, TOWIE and Geordie Shore but it'll be less regional. 

Good luck ITV, you're going to need it. 

ITV2 Is The Reason We Can't Have Nice Things

"First of all, never bad mouth Synergy." Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

I'm pretty sure that this is the mantra of ITV2.  I have a love/hate relationship with ITV2. Yes, I can watch TOWIE and know who's going out with who, I can even sit through Judge Judy and I don't mind catching American Idol when it's on. But what I hate, hate HATE is the way everything links. And most of it is to do with reality TV.

The titles that literally took 5 seconds to think of, Britain's Got MORE Talent (debatable), The XTRA Factor (it's on long enough), the tediously titled I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... NOW! and Take Me Out: The Gossip (Take Me Out... AGAIN would have been better). I watch the sister shows on ITV1, I enjoy them, some of the time, but these "spin-offs" are beyond shit.

And what about the presenters? Well, we have cheeky chappy (read: extremely annoying) Olly Murs presenting The Xtra Factor after appearing on The X Factor and now he has a new reality show Olly: Life on Murs. A show I'm sure that they came up with the title first then decided let's just film his tour. Oh! And get the fans involved via Twitter!! Twitter keeps ITV2 in ideas.

I hate men in hats. 

Then we've got Take Me Out: The Gossip with TOWIE's Mark Wright. I'm not really sure why other than he has been on an ITV2 programme. I remember I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... Now! had Matt Willis presenting it,  after he won it one year but now they've got some girl and a couple of lame comedians.

AND THEN THERE'S THE REALITY TV SHOWS. Like previously mentioned, Olly: Life On Murs and the ground breaking Peter Andre: My Life are the biggest shows on ITV2 at the moment. On Peter Andre's show we learn he loves his Ferrari, his music, his fans AND DON'T FORGET THE KIDS. Also CAN Associates client and ex girlfriend Elen Rivers might just pop in for a cup of tea. And I'm guessing you'll probably see other CAN clients Amy Childs and husband and wife team Nicola McLean & Tom Williams who Pete just happens to be BEST FRIENDS WITH.

Some books Peter Andre is trying to read.

And possibly the most heinous offender, Celebrity Juice. I'll be honest, I've seen the show and sometimes Keith Lemon is funnier than he ought to be. But why the hell are Fern Cotton and Holly Wiloughby on it? Oh, because she's on ITV1's flagship daytime TV programme! And she's dragged her best friend along. Neither are funny, in fact they are painfully unfunny and this show really doesn't sit well with Holly's cosy family life she's built up on This Morning, so much so I'm surprised ITV1 would want her doing it at all. It's rude and crude and they look like idiots; we're laughing at you not with you. And what about the guests? Well just this year we've had Christine Bleakly (Daybreak), Phillip Schofield (This Morning), Jonathan Ross (The Jonathan Ross Show), Chris Fountain (Coronation Street and Dancing on Ice), Matt Cardle (X Factor winner), Caroline Flack (The Xtra Factor) I COULD GO ON!

They've all gone to the same hairdresser. 

I'm all for a bit of synergy but not to the point when Corrie and Jeremy Kyle have a cross over. (THIS HAPPENED). It's just sometimes it's a bit too much ITV, don't be afraid to look a bit further a field for different ideas. If you rely on BGT, I'm A Celeb... and The X Factor for ideas then you'll come unstuck sooner rather than later.

Peter Andre And The Last Chapter

I understand some people like Peter Andre. He seems like a nice guy, he's defiantly portrayed that way. What I can't understand is why some people want to know what has been going on in his life since the last series of ITV2's Peter Andre: My Life.


AS IF THERE HAS BEEN NO STORIES REPORTED ABOUT HIM.

It's January and here he chats about why his marriage broke apart, without saying why his marriage broke apart

Now he "talks" (via a friend) about a dancer he may (OR MAY NOT) be dating.

Oh look it's February and that dancer has fallen in love with him.

Apparently it's his ex-wife who has an obsession with him, unlike he WHO HARDLY EVER MENTIONS IT.

One of the most misleading headlines I've ever read. And why the hell is he drenched in water?? What the hell does that mean? And you say he's only speaking to OK! but I think not...

Come April, his (contractually obliged) relationship has come to an end. Nothing to do with the fact no one really gave a hoot.

But the question on all our lips is... DOES HE LOVE HIS KIDS??? 

Maybe I WILL watch the new TV show to find out!!

Jordan, Cheryl and Some Football (American)

It's been an interesting week in Celebville. We've had Cheryl denying she emailed Harvey, Katie Price biting back at Peter Andre and Madonna being furious with MIA over an obscene gesture. The girls are sure as hell fighting back this week.

Are these real or waxworks? I can't tell...

While I can never say I am a fan of Katie Price I have to admit she comes in for some serious flack concerning her marriage. While Peter Andre is bathed in some kind of untouchable light, Miss Price gets many a harsh headlines (and if rumors are to be believed many coming from her ex husband and agent, ALLEGEDLY). She's been called all things from a bad mother to a loose women but it seems she has had enough this week. She released a statement condemning Peter Andre's story in Heat magazine. He painted her as some kind of obsessed, bitter women who would never be over him (a rather high opinion of yourself isn't it? Backhanded of course) and who was desperate to get back with him.
Why he did this interview doesn't really make sense, he seems to be "setting the record straight" an awful lot lately. So I have to say good on her for responding and not letting his "I can't tell you why we broke up" (don't worry, it'll be in OK! magazine soon) bollocks carry on. It surprises me how many people think Andre is blameless in HIS marriage breakdown. Yeah, I'm sure he didn't want to fame or the money. HE'S JUST A NORMAL GUY WHO LOVES HIS KIDS!! As Mugatu says "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" I hope his next interview is something as bland as "Father Loves His Kids." Don't think we've heard that recently.
I really hope this might be the moment when everyone goes, "Actually, you're both as bad as each other" and people will stop watching the next bloody chapter. Price needs to let it lie now, maybe write some more books? Oh, no she doesn't have time to write books. (Author of 4 autobiographies, 7 novels and a host of children books). I don't know why they spilt up, but I'm pretty sure literally no one cares anymore.
Another weird story doing the rounds was Cheryl Cole emailing Harvey So Solid. Apparently they were dating after Cheryl spilt with another love rat Ashley. Now magazine have claimed to have a media lawyer confirm the relationship by saying they are genuine emails. How this confirms that they were together I have no idea. Cheryl seems pretty sure this isn’t true and as Nicola Roberts tweeted maybe someone’s having Harvey on. With both seeming so sure they are right, it’ll be curious to see what Cheryl does next. I think he might have been had; maybe Cheryl’s taste in men seems a bit rubbish sometimes but I cant believe she would go out with him. It’s just like the time Gareth Gates denied sleeping with Jordan.
The big story of the week has been the Superbowl. I have literally NO IDEA who played, what they won and I barley care it’s American football. But most people seem interested in the adverts and the halftime show. We had the amazing Avengers trailer (Assemble!), the rubbish Ferris Bueller advert (no more days off now) and Madonna’s performance of her new single. A source says she furious with MIA who swore and flipped the middle finger. I highly doubt this; IF she is angry it’s probably because most post-performance stories are about MIA. I remember her swearing at Live 8 so this “OMG she swore” doesn’t wash with me.
I’m sure there will be more Price v Andre stories next week, and I don’t think the Cheryl emails will die down until we see them. Girl Power indeed.