ITV2 Is The Reason We Can't Have Nice Things

"First of all, never bad mouth Synergy." Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

I'm pretty sure that this is the mantra of ITV2.  I have a love/hate relationship with ITV2. Yes, I can watch TOWIE and know who's going out with who, I can even sit through Judge Judy and I don't mind catching American Idol when it's on. But what I hate, hate HATE is the way everything links. And most of it is to do with reality TV.

The titles that literally took 5 seconds to think of, Britain's Got MORE Talent (debatable), The XTRA Factor (it's on long enough), the tediously titled I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... NOW! and Take Me Out: The Gossip (Take Me Out... AGAIN would have been better). I watch the sister shows on ITV1, I enjoy them, some of the time, but these "spin-offs" are beyond shit.

And what about the presenters? Well, we have cheeky chappy (read: extremely annoying) Olly Murs presenting The Xtra Factor after appearing on The X Factor and now he has a new reality show Olly: Life on Murs. A show I'm sure that they came up with the title first then decided let's just film his tour. Oh! And get the fans involved via Twitter!! Twitter keeps ITV2 in ideas.

I hate men in hats. 

Then we've got Take Me Out: The Gossip with TOWIE's Mark Wright. I'm not really sure why other than he has been on an ITV2 programme. I remember I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... Now! had Matt Willis presenting it,  after he won it one year but now they've got some girl and a couple of lame comedians.

AND THEN THERE'S THE REALITY TV SHOWS. Like previously mentioned, Olly: Life On Murs and the ground breaking Peter Andre: My Life are the biggest shows on ITV2 at the moment. On Peter Andre's show we learn he loves his Ferrari, his music, his fans AND DON'T FORGET THE KIDS. Also CAN Associates client and ex girlfriend Elen Rivers might just pop in for a cup of tea. And I'm guessing you'll probably see other CAN clients Amy Childs and husband and wife team Nicola McLean & Tom Williams who Pete just happens to be BEST FRIENDS WITH.

Some books Peter Andre is trying to read.

And possibly the most heinous offender, Celebrity Juice. I'll be honest, I've seen the show and sometimes Keith Lemon is funnier than he ought to be. But why the hell are Fern Cotton and Holly Wiloughby on it? Oh, because she's on ITV1's flagship daytime TV programme! And she's dragged her best friend along. Neither are funny, in fact they are painfully unfunny and this show really doesn't sit well with Holly's cosy family life she's built up on This Morning, so much so I'm surprised ITV1 would want her doing it at all. It's rude and crude and they look like idiots; we're laughing at you not with you. And what about the guests? Well just this year we've had Christine Bleakly (Daybreak), Phillip Schofield (This Morning), Jonathan Ross (The Jonathan Ross Show), Chris Fountain (Coronation Street and Dancing on Ice), Matt Cardle (X Factor winner), Caroline Flack (The Xtra Factor) I COULD GO ON!

They've all gone to the same hairdresser. 

I'm all for a bit of synergy but not to the point when Corrie and Jeremy Kyle have a cross over. (THIS HAPPENED). It's just sometimes it's a bit too much ITV, don't be afraid to look a bit further a field for different ideas. If you rely on BGT, I'm A Celeb... and The X Factor for ideas then you'll come unstuck sooner rather than later.

Horoscopes, Future Transgression and Other Made Up Stuff

Natalie Cassidy is everywhere at the moment isn't she? Celebrity Big Brother, Loose Women, The Wright Stuff. I'm not really sure what it is she does anymore though to be honest. But if anyone caught her on This Morning today then it seems the only thing she is worried about is a lion the size of a t-rex. Confused? Welcome to the This Morning's Supernatural Week.

Where's your trumpet? (Sorry)

Today, we had future life progression. What is that I hear you ask?

“Future Life Progression is a hypnosis session that aims to unlock the secrets of what your future lives could hold, and any lessons you can learn from who you might become in the future!”

Exclamation mark included! What absolute rubbish.

Rather annoyingly, I've been unable to watch it again. It's not on demand and they seem to have cut it out of the itv Player episode. Maybe even they thought, "Naa this is a bit shit."

I don't know why they have this stuff on the NTA winner of Best Factual Programme 2012. Holly said she is scared of the supernatural and Philip looks like he is trying to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. While they were interviewing the future life progressionist, Philip started talking about when he was transgressed and he seemed to be a little annoyed when the hypnotist told him to put some money in a sofa (goodness knows why, something to do with easing his past guilt…). I remember ITV dragging out this transgression stuff for not one but TWO series’ of a show called Have I Been Here Before? And that was presented by Schofe. It featured such celebrities as Dr Fox who turned out used to be a lute playing carpenter, Denise Welch who was a farm girl living in Devon, Barry from Eastenders as a 14th Century knight and the cheating Major from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire who was a women in a previous life. It was terrible, even by itv daytime standards.

While neither of them said it was total rubbish, they then start talking about Horoscopes. Holly believes in those, something about the moon pulling water and the how we can't live without the Sun (REALLY? THANKS FOR THAT!)

When people say they believe in Horoscopes, I always think; why? I don't mind stating that they are utter bollocks. To prove it I conducted an extremely scientific experiment. I thought I'd check a couple of mine (Aries). Today I was supposed to go and visit someone (nope, stayed in) because I haven't seen my friends in ages (I did, last weekend). Another one said I need to be daring and 'in force' (Star Wars?). Mystic Meg told me Venus settles in my sigh (what?) and I'll act as peacemaker with my healing words. Another said not to put demands on others (I thought it said I should go out and see people?) and be on my best behavior. I also found a chart with percentages of different aspects of my life. I have literally no idea what it means but apparently today I am 92% intuition, 19% money and 39% work. So I'm only going to work at 39%? I'll have 19% less money? What the hell does it mean?? I used to read my Horoscopes all the time, and twist them so they worked. But then I just got bored of them being all the same drivel.

I have just seen one the best psychics on The Only Way Is Essex; she figured out the Chloe WANTS TO GET ENGAGED!! Wow. Who would have thought a TOWIE girl would want to get married? If you are a psychic and a girl is pissing you off, what do you do? Just tell them they won’t be getting engaged this year. Like a dagger to their heart. And oi, Lucy? Some Colins are alright.

If people want to believe in all this I kinda feel sorry for them. It's the same with physics; they just prey on the vulnerable. Psychic Sally can piss right off in my opinion.