ITV2 Is The Reason We Can't Have Nice Things

"First of all, never bad mouth Synergy." Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

I'm pretty sure that this is the mantra of ITV2.  I have a love/hate relationship with ITV2. Yes, I can watch TOWIE and know who's going out with who, I can even sit through Judge Judy and I don't mind catching American Idol when it's on. But what I hate, hate HATE is the way everything links. And most of it is to do with reality TV.

The titles that literally took 5 seconds to think of, Britain's Got MORE Talent (debatable), The XTRA Factor (it's on long enough), the tediously titled I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... NOW! and Take Me Out: The Gossip (Take Me Out... AGAIN would have been better). I watch the sister shows on ITV1, I enjoy them, some of the time, but these "spin-offs" are beyond shit.

And what about the presenters? Well, we have cheeky chappy (read: extremely annoying) Olly Murs presenting The Xtra Factor after appearing on The X Factor and now he has a new reality show Olly: Life on Murs. A show I'm sure that they came up with the title first then decided let's just film his tour. Oh! And get the fans involved via Twitter!! Twitter keeps ITV2 in ideas.

I hate men in hats. 

Then we've got Take Me Out: The Gossip with TOWIE's Mark Wright. I'm not really sure why other than he has been on an ITV2 programme. I remember I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... Now! had Matt Willis presenting it,  after he won it one year but now they've got some girl and a couple of lame comedians.

AND THEN THERE'S THE REALITY TV SHOWS. Like previously mentioned, Olly: Life On Murs and the ground breaking Peter Andre: My Life are the biggest shows on ITV2 at the moment. On Peter Andre's show we learn he loves his Ferrari, his music, his fans AND DON'T FORGET THE KIDS. Also CAN Associates client and ex girlfriend Elen Rivers might just pop in for a cup of tea. And I'm guessing you'll probably see other CAN clients Amy Childs and husband and wife team Nicola McLean & Tom Williams who Pete just happens to be BEST FRIENDS WITH.

Some books Peter Andre is trying to read.

And possibly the most heinous offender, Celebrity Juice. I'll be honest, I've seen the show and sometimes Keith Lemon is funnier than he ought to be. But why the hell are Fern Cotton and Holly Wiloughby on it? Oh, because she's on ITV1's flagship daytime TV programme! And she's dragged her best friend along. Neither are funny, in fact they are painfully unfunny and this show really doesn't sit well with Holly's cosy family life she's built up on This Morning, so much so I'm surprised ITV1 would want her doing it at all. It's rude and crude and they look like idiots; we're laughing at you not with you. And what about the guests? Well just this year we've had Christine Bleakly (Daybreak), Phillip Schofield (This Morning), Jonathan Ross (The Jonathan Ross Show), Chris Fountain (Coronation Street and Dancing on Ice), Matt Cardle (X Factor winner), Caroline Flack (The Xtra Factor) I COULD GO ON!

They've all gone to the same hairdresser. 

I'm all for a bit of synergy but not to the point when Corrie and Jeremy Kyle have a cross over. (THIS HAPPENED). It's just sometimes it's a bit too much ITV, don't be afraid to look a bit further a field for different ideas. If you rely on BGT, I'm A Celeb... and The X Factor for ideas then you'll come unstuck sooner rather than later.

An Intervention, An American Psycho and Golden Case- only in The Celebrity Apprentice: USA

Ah, The Apprentice. Not just any Apprentice, the American Celebrity version. A show made up of people us Brits have no idea about. We've got a woman poker play (they must be stars in America) and a woman golf player (okay, why not?). We've got a Kardashian, a cowboy, some more sports players, a Playboy bunny and my personal favourite a model from the American version of Deal or No Deal. What the hell??

So these aren't really household names (at least over here) but there are a couple you would know. Joan Rivers, Tom Green and Dennis Rodman are probably the most recognisable faces that Donald Trump has got. Although I imagine Joan Rivers' new face isn't that recognisable from her old one; that cost her about $150,000.

The Kardashian is Khloe, she is the one married to a NBA player who she only knew a month. She also gets a lot of stick for the way she looks (there are loads of rumours around that she has a different dad to Kim and Kourtney), but on the few episodes I've seen of Keeping Up With The Kardashians she seems more human than the life-selling juggernaut that is Kim.

We also have an Olympic ice skater Scott Hamiltion. He introduces himself by saying "I want to cure cancer in my life time." Big ambition for an ice skater, but hey, it's all for a good cause.

There's also some stand up comedian that I've never heard of, maybe you know him? But if you're going to say "I'm the biggest stand up comic in history ever" probably best to start with your name; it's Andrew Dice Clay.

We've also got Sandra Bullock's ex Jesse James. He is introduced to us as a "Working Class Hero". Barely. Also there is Joan Rivers daughter who must have the same surgeon.

The Playboy bunny looks like every other Playboy bunny; long blonde hair, (probably) blue eyed, killer bikini body. She seems quite nice, unlike some of the bitchy bunnys we get on our reality TV shows- we defiantly get the budget versions.

My favourite however, is the Deal Or No Deal model. I've never seen the American version of our beloved (too strong a word?) Noel Edmunds show so don't really know why they need models. I imagine it's like 30 Rock's amazing Golden Case created by Kenneth Parcell.

There have been some interesting moments so far. We've had an intervention for Dennis Rodman when the whole boardroom turned and told him he has a drinking problem. Bloody hell, it's only a light entertainment programme, not a hard hitting documentary.

Then we have the firing of Khloe Kardashian last week (sorry spoiler) which I found a bit weird. Donald Trump fired her because the week before she wasn't there for part of the task. It turns out she was back in LA in front of a judge who wasn't happy about her being in New York because she has a DUI (Drinking Under the Influence). Apparently Donald Trump knew nothing about this but he wasn't very happy. He says he knows people who have lost loved ones to drink drivers so understandably, he just can't justify her being in the competition. I can't argue with that, but are you seriously telling me no one told him she was still on probation for this? I find that hard to believe. Seems like it was a bit of a set up, a horrible one for sure.

My absolute favourite thing about The Apprentice USA is Donald Trump's son, Donald Jr. He is original Patrick Bateman. I sure he's never killed any strippers but let's be honest, it wouldn't be surprising. I assume he modelled his look on the American Psycho.

The BBC are showing this jem at midnight 3 times a week so this series will be over quick. Catch the freak show while you can.