Peter Andre's Bad Boyfriends Club and Other Shit ITV Have Said "Yes Let's Commission That, I Want An Early Lunch."

After the disaster of Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights and the drubbing that followed it you would think ITV might want to do something a bit different with their new shows. Some new blood and original ideas. Well. You're wrong. The first totally original idea is Peter Andre's Bad Boyfriends Club (NO IT'S NOTHING LIKE E4'S TOOL ACADEMY). He's going to turn the nations hopeless boyfriends into hopeless romantics. 

Never has there been someone so untalented but oh so smug.

Calling all ladies!! Is your boyfriend "always watching the football over your shoulder? Does he take less pride in his appearance than he did when you first started dating?" If YOUR relationship is suffering Pete will help!! Yeah, because I'll take advice from a divorced father of 2 who "conveniently" only dates girls who are signed to the same PR company. I mean, really. Here's an idea girls. If you're dating a big fat waste of space who loves football/his mates/everything else more than you, don't call Peter Andre. Just dump the loser. Because I can guarantee if your boyfriend doesn't listen to you, he sure as hell won't listen to Peter "Insania" Andre. 

What else has ITV up their sleeves?? Dear god, Surprise Surprise is back for a one off special. With Holly "I really don't think I'm on TV enough" Willoughby. It took us long enough to get rid of this shit, why bring it back?

We've got AN AMAZING (yes they use capital letters) new comedy hypnotism game show called I Know What You Did Last Week. A nice, threatening title for a show with Rufus Hound who was found wondering the halls of ITV2 after he didn't want to be on Celebrity Juice any more. I was just thinking we could do with a new hypnotism game show too! It's just an excuse to laugh at idiots who think this kind of show would be a good idea, mainly the after pub crowd. Unless it's got Paul McKenna in it, I don't want it. 

My favourite must be a show called The Resort. They want to pack off some young people to a beach resort and see what happens. It's TOWIE on a beach (again). So a bit like Made In Chelsea, TOWIE and Geordie Shore but it'll be less regional. 

Good luck ITV, you're going to need it. 

The Voice Final

That's it, it's all over folks. It's been good, it's been bad, we've been indifferent. The Voice UK crowned it's first ever winner on Saturday night and it was Leanne (let me just double check her name) Mitchell for Team Tom. So I was wrong.

Just in case you don't know, this is Leanne.

It was a LONG show. Everyone sang well, and to be honest Leanne probably was the best. After she beat Ruth last week maybe this wasn't as much as a surprise as it first seemed.

We had a super judge sing along mash up. I had no idea what The Script song was until the chorus kicked in. We also had the "artists" singing with their coaches, a bit like the X Factor, although they get people like Beyonce. But I think Same Difference had to sing with Jason Donovan so they aren't all great. For either of them.

The coaches were all far too gushing over everybody, especially Danny with Bo. It was kind of awkward to watch. I'm glad Vince went first, I couldn't stand him personally but Twitter seemed to love him. Then maybe you all should have voted.

But who came second or third?? Okay, sometimes the build up on the X Factor borders on the ridiculous but Holly said it so quickly it looked like she was in a hurry to pick up her Saturday night take-away. Where's the tension? Something all these live shows have been lacking. Holly's been a presenter long enough (and on a live reality TV show Dancing On Ice) to know that she should have dragged that moment out a little longer.

It's only been will.i.am who has said he would like to return next year. He's been entertaining at least, even though sometimes it took him an age to think of the words he wanted to say. Unless that word was dope. Tom Jones was, well Tom Jones. Inoffensive but bordering on a little boring. I really liked Danny in the blind auditions and the battle rounds, he wasn't bad in the live shows but I think Jessie J was the biggest problem. She just wanted to overpower everybody. Then when she couldn't get her point across she played the little girl lost routine and thought they were all picking on her. I find her a bit much; very OTT with her facial expressions, she seems like she wants to be the centre of attention all the time. She wasn't bad, I just wished she would let the others talk before jumping in. I'm just being honest, JJ.

It's nice to have a break from it now. Let's hope it comes back bigger and better next year with no V Room, more Reggie and maybe more ZING.

Oh, and Holly's outfit... She probably gave some men of a certain age a heart attack.

The Voice- Live Shows Week 4

Jessie J was dressed like a referee with an appalling 90s zigzag parting, will.i.am (rightly) was digging into Danny's rather dull song choices and I still don't think Tom "I wish I could rhyme" Jones knows what's going on. Welcome to The Voice as we crawl into week four of the live shows and another 4 acts bite the dust.

Alright Jessie, calm down love. 

Let's get a couple of things straight; The V Room is rubbish. Twitter is a great thing if you can use it right,  the BBC aren't using it right. Poor Reggie gets stuck behind the scenes, he really has drawn the short straw presenting-wise. No one cares what the acts think of ANYTHING. They've had enough air time, just stop it. 

And well done Jessie J for tweeting a picture of Vince and Becky on Sunday (before the results show) with the hash tag #teamjessie. THAT'S WHY RECORDING IT ON SATURDAY NIGHT AND SHOWING IT ON SUNDAY EVENING DOES NOT WORK. 

I said it last week but I'll say it again, so the judges get changed now but Jessie still had that horrendous hair style, so really what the hell is the point?? We KNOW it's recorded. 

So what happened this week? At the top of the show, we had Jessie J refusing to start her group performance because her earpiece didn't work. No one cares that much about the group performances i.e. the filler. Super brat Becky mouthing "fuck" when she forget her words while stomping like a child around that god-awful stage to Seven Nation Army. The judges just kept bickering at one another and that got Jessie thinking she was an actual referee at one point. Maybe that's why Holly was wearing a wresting belt. 

Other random thoughts... Any performance where you have a guitar and look a little bit scruffy… In my mind you’re Matt Cardle. *Cough David Julien Cough.* Good luck with that. Also does anyone else think will.i.am texting is a bit disrespectful? I know he has said he wants to keep in contact with the fans during the show but sometimes it makes him look really disinterested in what's going on.  

Cassius and Toni left from Team Jessie as she choose to save Becky after the audience kept Vince. Over on Team Danny, Bo was safe so it was between Aleks, David and Max with Danny eventually choosing the take through Max. 

Four weeks into the live shows and I can't say I'm loving this show. It's not as bad as some are making out but it will need some work before it comes back next year. 

Is it just me or do the live shows have no sparkle? No showmanship? No (I hate to say it) X factor? The semi finals are next week, and they really need to up the performances of everyone; nobody is coming out of this show great. 

And one last thing... For Christ's sake can we stop going on about Holly's cleavage.

The Voice- Live Shows Week 3

Week 3 of The Voice and while ratings slide we're in for a cull as 4 singers are cut from the show and we have the contestants singing with their coaches. Back into the limelight are Team will.i.am and Team Tom.

Team will.i.am.

Britain's Got Talent shouldn't worry them; the final was always going to be big so this week would always be a bit of a struggle ratings-wise. So (intentionally or not) they've "done an X Factor" and *shock* will get rid of 4 contestants.

There has been a lot of bad buzz around the live shows. People have been comparing it to that other BBC classic reality TV show Fame Academy ("Stop Living The Lie"); saying it's too nice, it's too dull, it's too slow. And for some reason they're right. It's not terrible, it's just a bit boring. I enjoyed the coaches and their contestants singing together, but really what was the point?

I've all but gone off the results show, just catch on playback and watch it in 5 minutes. I've seen enough VTs to last me about 10 series of The Voice.

But anyway; 4 contestnats left this week. Matt & Suleen and Adam (THANK YOU!) from Team Tom and Frances and Joelle (WHAT?) from Team will.i.am. Was I the only person who really liked Joelle?

Far too much going on this week and we've got it again with Team Jessie and Team Danny. Is it just me or are we rattling through the live shows? It'll be the final in a couple weeks.

One last question... Why does Holly get changed for the results show when 1. the judges don't and 2. we all know it's recorded on Saturday night?? Pointless. 

The Voice- Live Shows Week 1

We've had the Blind Auditions, we've had the Battle Rounds but now it's the Live shows. Shows where everything can mess up and we get to see how good Holly and Reggie actually are and if it's still really about The Voice.

So in the first week we've got Team Tom vs Team Will. It's our time to vote and whoever finishes with the lowest votes it's then up to the coaches (not judges) to decide who to keep.

Opening the show we had the 4 coaches singing U2's Beautiful Day. It was terrible. Poor will.i.am, that is not a song for him. Danny probably chose it. On the US show apparently the coaches sing with their team, so there is talk they will do it like that from now on.

The coaches singing U2's Beautiful Day.

The show overall was very structured and very samey- not necessary a bad thing but it just didn't flow as nicely as it could have. There were an awful lot of VTs especially in the (pre-recorded) results show. There were VTs on what the coaches thought of their teams, what the singers thought of the coaches, what the coaches think of each other. It was heavily padded, and I felt the results show should have been on Saturday night; there was no need for it be on Sunday. Yes, The X Factor has an hour long results show and yes, it's padded but it just feels more fluid. But then The X Factor has had 8 years to perfect it.

With 10 acts performing we didn't really get much time with the contestants; one singer who did stand out (for all the wrong reasons) was Adam on Team Tom. He looks like a member of Let Loose and he talked way too much. He thanked the crowd for coming (alright mate, they aren't there all for you) and he had to comment after each coach said something to him. It was quite embarrassing. Needless to say, I didn't like him. Also he wasn't very good. A cross between Matt Bellamy and Dave Grohl; he was as good as neither.

There has also been talk about Holly not being happy about her face time previous to the live shows. Someone should tell her that being on This Morning everyday and Celebrity Juice is more than enough TV for anybody. I found her a bit wooden, she reminded me of Kate Thornton on The X Factor; way out of her depth.

I'm not sure about "The V Room" either; is Reggie relegated there from now on? Or will Holly and him swap roles? If not then I feel bad for him.

So on the results show we had Tom choosing between Matt & Sueleen and Sam. To be honest, I think he made the right choice, Sam's performance wasn't great but I did like him so it's a shame to see him go. Will was really nice about Sophie but had to let her go, Joelle is fantastic and I was quite surprised to see her in the bottom 2. Although, it's not like she was in the bottom 2 overall, just of Will's group so there is hope for her to grow.

Not perfect by any means, hopefully everyone will relax a bit more next week. Also, I hope the coaches know it's okay to say some people weren't great; not everyone will be fantastic. And stop going on about licks. I literally have no idea what you are talking about.

The Voice- Final Battles

So the Battle Rounds are over and the teams have been assembled. The live shows are just around the corner.

Most of the choices were obvious, although there were a couple of big upsets. Jessie J was at the centre of the first one. The battle was between "Internet sensation" Ben and Ruth-Ann. Now, Ruth-Ann didn't get much screen time on her first audition. But what we did see of her, will.i.am was not impressed. She was out of tune and really didn't have much about her but Jessie J picked her much to the amusement of the other judges. Ben seemed like a shoe-in, especially after the love in the judges had with him on the Blind Auditions. But Jessie J picked Ruth-Ann because she thought that she could improve her whereas Ben was as good as he can get. This is another point of contention; a lot of contestants have taken to Twitter to say how unhappy they've been portrayed.

Ben wrote on Twitter "Where did the rest of my battle go? #HalfASong #BlinkAndYoullMissIt #TheVoiceUK" and Emmy J who lost out to Alecks thought the TV edit made her look bitter. To be fair, all the way through their VT before their battle they made it look like Alecks was far too nervous and Emmy would wipe the floor with him. But hey, welcome to reality TV! Even on the BBC.

Vince Freeman has also spoken out about how Danny told him to be a certain way and that might have cost him. On Twitter he wrote, "thought I was supposed to be mentored not handicapped #shouldnthavelistened". I think Bo was going through regardless of what Vince did or did not do in the battle, so he just looks a bit bitter.

The other surprise was by will.i.am and the battle between Sophie and J Marie. I thought J Marie was one of the contestants that really stood out, and not just because of her red hair. Amazing voice, great stage presence; but yet again the "You can't grow anymore..." reason rears it's head. I think talking about age isn't fair, isn't it all about The Voice?? I've touched on this already, when you see the contestants, how is it any different from every other reality show? It's a shame, as it seems to be the younger "X Factor" crowd that mostly went through to the Live shows.

So now on to the Live shows; I think I'm all for Team will.i.am, but I might flip-flop after the first show.

Things I've learnt so far from The Voice UK:

• will.i am is a funny guy, I think he's going to be great on the live shows. 
• The same can't be said of Tom Jones; while no one doubts his music credentials I just not sure if he actually has much to say. As I've said before, there is nowhere to hide on the live shows so we'll soon see who is best in front of the camera.
• The gimmcky first round I liked. I even liked the Battles, even though they were a bit screechy towards each other. I just don't know how the Live shows will differ from any other reality shows.
• I don't know if Holly and Reggie are any good yet. They've hardly done anything. 

The Voice Blind Auditions... Part 1

So the BBC's answer to the X Factor arrived last week in the form of The Voice. I've talked about it slightly before it started last week but having had a chance to watch the first couple of episodes I have to say, I think it's not too bad. An American import where contestants are judged only on their singing ability by competing in Blind Auditions. There are four judges with their backs to the contestant and if they like what they hear they buzz them in and their chair turns round.

On first impressions it does seem like any other TV talent show, and really it is. But it has enough originality to make it worth while. The produces of the show invited acts to come audition instead of having open auditions so you know from the start they can actually sing. The good thing about that is there are no joke acts, the bad thing; there are no joke acts. Everyone is very SERIOUS. And how do we know it’s a serious music completion? They are playing acoustic guitars; that’s a dead give away. By the end of the Blind Auditions each judge should have ten members on their team, Avengers-style.

So in the first couple of episodes we had the obligatory ex boy band member; Sean from 5ive. Nobody wanted him. It does seem a bit harsh when that happens. Especially after Jessie J admitted that 5ive was the first concert she went to. Ouch.

We also had a singer from the West End, Kerry Ellis. You name it, she’s been in it. So when she was trying to make that last note stretch I didn’t feel too bad for her when no one buzzed as she already has an amazing job.

It was also interesting to see how the judges interacted with each other. They were quite feisty when it came down to getting contestants to choose them. I thought everybody would want to go with will.i.am just because he can sell records, love him or loathe him, but he seemed to struggle to recruit certain contestants. Danny from The Script seems to be doing alright, he's going down a treat with the guitar playing guys at least. The young girls love Jessie J and the slightly older contestants want Tom. I'd go will.i.am but I seem to be in the minority.

The name dropping is fantastic ; Tom Jones’ story about when he went to Hawaii to play guitar with Elvis was amazing. He has some tales to weave, that’s for sure.

There’s obviously going to be a few more weeks of the Blind Auditions which is a good idea. If the X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent has taught us anything it’s viewers like to see a journey on talent shows.

While the contestants are singing it’s actually quite nerve racking waiting to see if they buzz or not. There are still a couple of sob stories, not quite as bad as X Factor but they’re there.

I think they should have given the judges a mic instead of this subtitled mouthing that is going on. It’s good to hear what they’re thinking. Also the pretending to move their hands is getting old; push the button or don’t.

Reggie Yates and Holly Willoughby have the Ant & Dec/ Dermot role of waiting backstage and talking to the families. They haven’t really had much to do yet, we’ll see when the live shows start how good they are.

For me, the biggest test will be when the second round comes. I don’t know how The Voice works but surely after the first round it’s based on the complete package just like X Factor?

Some of the reviews haven't been too kind to the show; saying it is tooth-less and they are all too NICE to the contestants. But that's what you get when you invite established, or at least half decent singers. I think it'll come into it's own when we have the teams and the judges start to mentor them.

The Voice isn’t a rival to Britain’s Got Talent, they are two different shows. I’m definitely hooked on The Voice; I’ll watch BGT on ITV Player later.