The X Factor Blog: It's Back! And It's The Same As Ever.

Even though it’s never been far away from our thoughts (or newspapers), TV's biggest talent show is back for a 9th series with the hashtag "Whose time is now?"

But before we get to the contestants let’s say hello to our X Factor judges. The unmovable Louis is back (TV’s version of a barnacle) alongside Gary Barlow and “the girl everyone is talking about” Tulisa. Let’s be honest, no one is talking about her, it seems to be her who won’t shut up about the little tape she made. New series, new judge and the editors have gone into hyperdrive making it look like Nicole Scherzinger has been there from the beginning instead of some uninspiring hirings (wait, is that Anastasia I saw? What is this, the year 2000?)

Louis, sightly over dressed methinks. 

So Dermot is back with a great opening VT in where he tells us about a few success stories. We’ve got Olly Murs on a photo shoot (of course he’s probably most famous for presenting the X Factor’s sister show The Xtra Factor), then there’s Alexandra Burke. I think Dermot was getting at the fact that without the duet with Beyoncé, the biggest star in the world, she would in no way have beaten JLS. Then we end on Simon Cowell’s brainchild and legacy to the X Factor, One Direction. Their fans are truly terrifying and have some how made them into one of the biggest boy bands in the world. No mention of Leon Jackson, Matt Cardle or Shayne Ward… Shanye really should have been a massive star, Cowell’s label really dropped the ball with him. 

We then have some smack talk from the judges. There’s Tulisa bleating, “I’m always going to say what I think.” Shut up, that’s not always a good thing you know. Then there is Gary failing to see the irony when he talks about the talent Team GB showed in the Olympics. Not sure you can compare the years of hard work those athletes do to some of the “acts” on the X Factor who have just played a couple of hours on Singstar. Louis (they still call him a “music manager” but does he actually manager anyone anymore? And has anyone ever said anything nice about him as a manager?) takes a little dig at BBC by saying it’s not all about the voice. Nicole seems really sweet so it’s hard to believe when she says “I’m a scary bitch.” To be fair, I imagine you have to be to be part of the Pussycat Dolls. 

The judges have been introduced, the crowd are ready so let’s get the contestants on! And how lame were they? I’m not sure you should ever start a series with a joke act; that just sets the tone. Welcome some lad who works in Nandos carrying a photo of him and Pixie Lott, putting on a voice so he sounds like Louis Armstrong. Oh. 

I bet I know her favourite colour...

Who else have we got? Some Pink wannabe who sings a Pink song but doesn’t want to be like Pink. Well for starters, why did you get the same hair cut as her? And Emilé Sande (her other song choice)? I thought the judges gave her quite constructive criticism, especially for them. It’s a shame she went off in a huff saying “you told me to sing a Pink song!” And why did her dad, a Tom Jones impersonator, drag her back on stage? Who am I kidding, I loved it. Particularly the colourful language she used. She will definitely be back next year. The producers are playing the long game with her, mark my words. Special mention goes to the use of the Inception soundtrack over her breakdown, great usage there music editor!

Then there was Mel B, who was nicknamed “Grumpy Spice.” She hated EVERYONE, even some old granddad. Although there was someone at the end, who she said yes to but to be honest I can’t remember anybody good. I’m not really a fan of hers but in some corners people liked her because she reminded them of Simon; yes she was nasty but that’s about it. 

It was business as usual then at the X Factor, but if the ratings are anything to go by people are getting a little tired of seeing the same old stories rehashed. It’s not panic stations yet but there needs to be some really great acts in the audition stages to get a buzz going. If not, by the time December comes around we might have another Steve Brookstein on our hands.