The X Factor Blog: Boot Camp- 72 Hours of Clichés

Let’s welcome Nicole Schenziger back to the panel full time. Anyone who’s been saying she should be dropped in favour of Mel B are crazy. Give her a chance, she hasn’t done anything yet. Mel B had that one montage of nasty comments and everybody was comparing her to some kind of reality TV show monster. The rest of her work was pretty average or dull. Why are we inviting the Spice Girls back into our lives???

So, everybody is back at X Factor Boot Camp again. The horrible VTs continue with us just “dropping by” to see the contestants pack their bags and head off to Liverpool. For most of them though they shouldn’t have got off the National Express as they were dumped before Boot Camp even kicked off in the big surprise twist. The big surprise twist that they did last year. They got a little party with JLS though so swings and roundabouts.

You will be missed Gathan.

The “This is my once in a lifetime opportunity” phrase they keep jabbering on about is a load of rubbish. We all know that the producers will get them to return next year. It should be called the Ex-Factor the ridiculous amount of ex contestants that have got through this far.

My favourite contestant was Gathan. There is a ready made boy band with him, Rylan and Octavio. Make it happen Louis, MAKE IT HAPPEN. Gathan is already convinced he has won the competition, it’s a shame he didn’t make Judges’ Houses. He would have been really entertaining come the live shows.

Anyone who shakes so much and is really nervous about performing, well maybe you’ve chosen the wrong career and you really shouldn’t be a national TV. It is so annoying and it does not endear me to you (see Jahmene, Christopher).

We also had a few shocks. Joseph Whelan, the guy who would give Peter Andre a run for this money in Dad of the year awards, seemed like an obvious choice to go to Judges’ Houses but fell short.

Rylan Clark. You know what the best thing about him? The fact he wears t-shirts with his face on them like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

One of Rylan's many t-shirts.

Where the hell did James Arthur’s Deidre glasses come from? You can’t expect to add them and nobody is to mention them??

How do people let themselves be judged by Tulisa when she decided on having scarecrow straw-yellow hair?

Was there a separate Jade category we weren’t informed about?

We had Simon Cowell’s contractual involvement to try to get the ratings up by ringing the judges to tell them who their category was. Absolutely pointless. Louis has the groups AGAIN. Gary has the Overs, Nicole is with the boys and Tulisa is with the girls. Why did Tulisa shout like that when Simon called her? She pulled possibly the most unattractive face she could have pulled. She does my head in.

So it’s Judges’ House next week. Let’s see who makes a massive mistake and leaves someone great out. It’ll be Louis. It's always Louis.

The X Factor Blog: End of Auditions

It's the last of the auditions this week; they seem to have gone on forever this year, so we end on another double episode full of men fawning over Tulisa, a new tactic to get noticed and Bianca Gascoigne.

First up we have an older gentleman who seems to hate Tulisa. His “average old man audition” didn’t set Tulisa’s ears alight and he was quite forthcoming in his opinion. “It was that fucking Tulisa’s fault.” Calm down granddad!

Don't smile too much Gary.

Rita Ora was back and obsessed with finding someone who knows themselves. What the hell does that actually mean? Especially in a karaoke competition?

Some great sob stories returned this week. The Rebecca Ferguson Story “I had kids young and gave up my DREAM.” Wow, way to blame your children on your existence. There was also a new tactic to getting on stage this week, someone claimed to have gone to school with Tulisa. Now, we know that’s a lie. Tulisa never went to school. She was far too busy being “gangsta” with her cousin and getting terrible tattoos. There was another Jane McDonald-esq wannabe with an annoying Nan, the women claimed she was 33 years old, but I highly doubt that. 

One of the oddest auditions of the weekend was Bianca Gascoigne. Not sure how I feel about ‘celebrities’ (this word is used in the loosest term possible) auditioning. Some ex-contestants don’t know when to say “You know what? I’ve had a couple of goes, it’s not worked out, and it’s time to choose another career.” The judges really shouldn’t tell people they are a star, and this is what they should be doing. Because they probably SHOULD be doing something else. How long before we have X Factor WINNERS auditioning again? Slightly surprised they didn’t let her go to the next round (they let through far worse people) if only for a bit more publicity in the papers.

Not the worse voice of the competition.

The guitars make me want to scream. This isn’t The Voice. And what about Tulisa vs. Louis? Neither are current. Tulisa is so chav-tastic and the whole “I’m really tough” attitude is so weak it’s embarrassing. And Louis “I’ve sold a billion records” or whatever, no one cares what he has to say. Tulisa moaning about fish and chips was a bit weird too, she probably should have just toughed it out.

The section that must have been entitled “Everybody Loves Tulisa” was bullshit. That many men all in love with her doesn’t seem natural. Put Nicole next to her and let’s see who they choose.  

So the auditions are all wrapped up now and Boot Camp awaits. Expect “surprise twists”, people getting kicked out and maybe a band put together of rejects. Not long till the Live Shows, let’s get on with this shall we?

 

True Blood Season 5 Episode 1: Turn! Turn! Turn!

True Blood season 5 started on Monday night on FX and you can call it a lot of things but subtle isn’t one of them. Full of sex, blood and creative swearing it’s still not for the faint hearted.

Read on for my spoiler filled review.

The X Factor Blog: Anyone Seen Nicole?

It’s an X Factor double bill weekend so that’s more guest judges, more guitars and more wannabes. Also, while I think about it, has anyone seen Nicole Scherzinger? She’s the fourth X Factor judge, ex-Pussycat Doll? She was around a bit at the start of the series but seems to have disappeared? No worries, I’m sure she’ll turn up. One way or the other. 

Was she ever seriously considered for the 4th judge?

So, Geri Halliwell turned up this week and if you thought last weeks contestants were grating then get ready for Geri. One Spice Girl was more than enough, who’s bright idea was two? Yes, they were are fun band in the 90s but let’s move on that shall we? Geri is possibly the most annoyingly needy person I’ve seen on any TV talent show. When she started speaking in a Scouse accent and arguing with Gary about who sold more records, dear god the nation was losing the will to live. We only have ourselves to blame though. We bought those Spice Girl records, over a DECADE AGO. She thinks we still love her. She just tries too hard to please everybody, thank goodness she wasn’t the rumoured 4th official judge. Honestly, Sinitta would have been a better choice. Think about that for a moment. SINITTA. 

To the contestants. And we had Jason from Vietnam who kept saying “Tulisha”. My, my the judges couldn’t get over that, it was getting quite uncomfortable when they kept shouting at him “TULISSSSSSSA!” It’s a stupid name anyway and the guy has an accent. He was better than they thought at least. 

Let’s talk about MK1. The N-Dubz wanna-band (why, why WHY model yourself on such a heinous group?) had the age old X Factor decision of dumping the runt of the litter; a complete dork who I’m convinced had an elaborate plan all along. He knew he was shit, but was waiting for the moment to say “I’ll go but I want 33% of your future earning.” Good luck with that one mate. Is that a binding contract? 

Then there’s some idiot who calls himself Eddy String. “The new Frankie Cocozza” people were claiming. He looks like a walking STD, and yet another gobshite. My goodness the producers are scraping the barrel this year.

The least offensive picture I could find.

And while we are talking about scrapping the barrel what about Lorna Bliss. That lap dance was horrendous to watch. If I was working backstage on the X Factor I’d have to think about my life choices as I pushed her towards the stage. The Britney Spears look-a-like who has been on so many TV show; Snog, Marry, Avoid, Dating In The Dark and most worryingly Britain’s Got Talent, among others. Why is BGT most worrying? Because it means the ITV producers knew EXACTLY what they were getting with her. They knew she was crap but gave a bit of shock value to, let’s be honest, a slightly underwhelming series so far. It screams out that they have no new ideas left and that there is nowhere else for this show to go. The judges aren’t helping either, they are just too bland. They all have good and bad points but none of them make this show must watch television any more. And that’s the problem. I can’t stand Bruce Forsyth (how OLD IS THAT MAN?) and the smuggest women on TV Tess Daly but I have a feeling Strictly Come Dancing might make better TV this year. If they got some better hosts I would turn over in an instant. The dancers may not wear much more than a Britney Spears look-a-like body stocking but they look classier. 

One final thought; let’s take a moment to think about the state of Louis Walsh’s hair. What the hell is going on there? 

The X Factor Blog: The Peter Andre Principle

Let’s get this out of the way first; I HATE when they do the “let’s listen into their conversations” bit. It’s a horribly, cheap TOWIE-esq way of seeing what people think. And it wastes far too much of the episodes on them. This series seems to have had the fewest auditions ever. Maybe because there just isn’t that much talent that want to audition? 

There is some kind of crazy in those eyes...

Speaking of "talent", the first auditionee is a lady called Nicola. And my god she’s annoying, every episode has started with someone who has about a quarter of the running time to themselves but isn’t actually very good. She just won’t shut up. Even the judges are getting tired of her and when you are annoying Mel B you know you're doing something right/ wrong. She dances like Jane McDonald would do to dub-step. It was terribly 90s, but she went through. Aye carumba. THIS is the best of the best?

Then we had a quick montage of “yes” contestants (because who wants to see the good contestants am I right??) before we head back to crazy town. An embarrassing mum who has dragged her kids along to really show them up seems genuinely surprised when they say no. She can’t pick up the sarcasm in Gary’s voice. Are people that delusional?? Or maybe she just really hates her kids. 

Scotland's best. Also a part time fairy. 

Then we come to possibly my favourite sob story ever. We had the Ultimate Sob Story last week so I think the writers took a week off here. We have a father, who loves his kid (a bit like Peter Andre, but probably no way near as much). That’s it. That’s the best they can come up with. We’re only in week 3! Oh wait, he’s a SINGLE father (“JUST like Peter Andre! And EVERYONE LOVES him don’t they??” Says an ITV executive). It won’t be long before the ex sells her story in New magazine or the Sunday Mirror, I guarantee. I am calling this strategy The Peter Andre Principle. Just tell people you love your kids and you'll win them over. 

Guest judges-wise we had Anastacia and Mel B. Anastacia was okay, funny in places and seemed nice. Not the strongest judge we've ever seen but not the worst. Mel B was back and by the look of it they had used all the harsh put downs in week one. 

The roadshow then heads into Scotland, where (and I’m only being honest like Tulisa) it’s always shit. Some truly worryingly mental people, mostly unemployed women I have to say. Even the token good contestant thought she was a fairy. My favourite exchange was between Dermot and a women who just got the “No, no, no, no" treatment, Dermot asked what would she do now. The women replied “Get drunk.” And Dermot finished with “Again. Great.”  

Welcome to Scotland.