TOWIE Is Back, Back, Back Tonight!

No words. 

TOWIE is back on ITV2 tonight for it’s 6th series (yes SIXTH) and what are we in store for? Well, Arg and Gemma are a couple now, even after that “You’ll never get this candy” (hurl) parlava at Marbs. I personally can’t stand either of them, they are both using each other to get as much money off of this “relationship” as they possibly can. I can guarantee there will be an argument in tonight’s episode and we will be left thinking “Have they broken up??” But we won’t care. They’ve already “discussed” marriage but so what? I’ve been known to discuss bungee jumping, it doesn’t mean I’m going to dive off a building anytime soon. Together they are sure to be the gruesome twosome and I have this horrible feeling this series will all be about them. If you ask me (and why wouldn't you?) Lydia is better off without that complete waste of space Arg. Tom seems like a really nice guy, and they are much more suited than Tom and Billi (or is it Cara? Those two are inseparable. I mean the one who's not his sister).

Jessica and Ricky are also officially a couple, but Jess has said that they have no interest in becoming “the show’s biggest love story.” What shall we give it? One episode before she is moaning about the lack of airtime probably given to Gemma and Arg? I think so. But she might be too busy for TOWIE as she has her music career to think of…

My favourite bit is when she comes out the water with her mascara running.

We’ve also had the news this week that Georgina will not be returning to Essex. Let’s be honest, she was hardly in it anyway and when she was she wasn’t interesting. Her not being at Marbs probably meant that the writing was on the wall with that one.

ITV2 have released some promo photos for the sixth series and in the main photo (below) I thought there were so odd absentees. Where’s Sam, queen hanger-on of the most eligible bachelor of the show (whoever he may be)? Why isn’t Lydia, Jess or even Lauren G there? No room for Gemma? Who thought it would be a good idea to put Mick in the photo? Maybe you should have put in Nanny Pat as well. And by the look of it, someone has made Joey Essex the leading man. A very random cast photo that one. 

Who let Mick in?

Lots of stuff has kicked off behind the scenes, let’s hope for some fireworks on screen. And maybe some fun new characters too.

Peter Andre's Bad Boyfriends Club and Other Shit ITV Have Said "Yes Let's Commission That, I Want An Early Lunch."

After the disaster of Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights and the drubbing that followed it you would think ITV might want to do something a bit different with their new shows. Some new blood and original ideas. Well. You're wrong. The first totally original idea is Peter Andre's Bad Boyfriends Club (NO IT'S NOTHING LIKE E4'S TOOL ACADEMY). He's going to turn the nations hopeless boyfriends into hopeless romantics. 

Never has there been someone so untalented but oh so smug.

Calling all ladies!! Is your boyfriend "always watching the football over your shoulder? Does he take less pride in his appearance than he did when you first started dating?" If YOUR relationship is suffering Pete will help!! Yeah, because I'll take advice from a divorced father of 2 who "conveniently" only dates girls who are signed to the same PR company. I mean, really. Here's an idea girls. If you're dating a big fat waste of space who loves football/his mates/everything else more than you, don't call Peter Andre. Just dump the loser. Because I can guarantee if your boyfriend doesn't listen to you, he sure as hell won't listen to Peter "Insania" Andre. 

What else has ITV up their sleeves?? Dear god, Surprise Surprise is back for a one off special. With Holly "I really don't think I'm on TV enough" Willoughby. It took us long enough to get rid of this shit, why bring it back?

We've got AN AMAZING (yes they use capital letters) new comedy hypnotism game show called I Know What You Did Last Week. A nice, threatening title for a show with Rufus Hound who was found wondering the halls of ITV2 after he didn't want to be on Celebrity Juice any more. I was just thinking we could do with a new hypnotism game show too! It's just an excuse to laugh at idiots who think this kind of show would be a good idea, mainly the after pub crowd. Unless it's got Paul McKenna in it, I don't want it. 

My favourite must be a show called The Resort. They want to pack off some young people to a beach resort and see what happens. It's TOWIE on a beach (again). So a bit like Made In Chelsea, TOWIE and Geordie Shore but it'll be less regional. 

Good luck ITV, you're going to need it. 

The Only Way Is Marbs... Like TOWIE But On A Beach

So after missing a trick a few years back and not taking the cameras with them to classy Marbella, ITV2 have decided to make a special out of it this time. And let's be honest, it wasn't as exciting as it could have been.

Georgina didn't go Marbs. Oh that's right, no one gives a shit. 

SOME OBSERVATIONS.

• We start off with the gang on EasyJet, the hallmark of quality. My goodness I would not have been happy sitting next to them lot. Gobshites.

• Billi decided to call their house in Marbs the Pussy Palace. What the hell is this, The Inbetweeners Movie? 

• The whole show is building up to a Champagne Spray Party. Sounds horrendous. 

• People who say "I'm single" even though they ARE dating someone really winds me up. I'm looking at you, Lauren P. 

• Mario proposed to Lucy but we knew this was happening as it's been all over the papers. DULL.

• Lauren G was at boot camp. So what? You've put on a bit of weight, you lose a bit of weight. GET OVER IT. 

• Arg and Gemma make me sick. Both are vile. When Gemma said "You ain't getting this candy" not only did I want to throw my remote at the TV but Arg was right; she was embarrassing herself. Because Arg couldn't give two shits about anyone but himself, so what was she planning on achieving? Maybe Gem, just maybe you shouldn't have thrown yourself on him, kissing him and getting into his bed because he's pathetic and immature. Rami should tell you to pack your bags because you've been incredibly disrespectful to him. I hope no self respecting women would go near Arg even if he was the last "man" (and I use that term in the loosest possible sense) on earth. 

• Diags: Makes me want to puke.

IN CONCLUSION.

It was a let down. And I think I hate all the "new couples"; Joey and Sam, Ricky and Jess, Lauren P and Tom. Not one of them look like they even remotely care for one another, unless it means they are on the camera more. Sam, in particular seems very cold. She has said some very odd things about her and Joey in the past; like the producers put them together (that's what they do) and they wouldn't have dated without the cameras. Even in her autobiography (crazy I know. She may look mid 40s but apparently she's in her early 20s... I'd check the birth certificate first) she said it wasn't amazing with Joey. Why would he want to get back with her? 

I like a good argument and some drama but nothing really happened in Marbs. The script writers need to tell them lot to get more interesting lives. I'm not sure why I watch TOWIE sometimes. I don't think there is anyone I do like... 

The Geordie Shore lot were right about this TOWIE special... it was crap.

Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights... It's Not That Bad Is It?

Well, actually it is. I was going to catch up with all the episodes that have been aired. I lasted 20 minutes. Yet there is so much to discuss. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with ITV2 but with Mark Wright's Hollywood Nights they are really pushing me. Here's the trailer, just in case you don't know what I'm talking about. 

Personally I hate that Tommy guy the most. Why don't you get off you're fat arse, get a job then you don't have to have Mark pay for everything for you like some weird hanger-on? Sorry I digress, he just really annoys me.

So the premise is basically Mark Wright wants a 5* holiday with his mates (well, the ones he's contractually obliged to bring. No room for his TOWIE teammate Arg, in more ways than one) and we have to watch it.

Even though it's real (as real as these constructed reality shows can be), Mark tells us that SOME of the show is set up purely for our entertainment. Hey mate, DON'T BLAME US. It really would have been a lot more entertaining if they had actually gone there for work (like they claim in the trailer) instead of fawning over Mark Wright like he's some kind of icon. HE IS NOT.

And what about the rest of his entourage/hangers on? Well, they are horrible. They've got nothing about them, no personality. These women in America would never look twice at this bunch of dullards. One part I did see was this stunning actress (aren't they all?) take Tommy and Nick to a health food store. Tommy, who obviously has never seen a salad in his life, was trying to impress this lady who was so far out of his league she was playing a different sport. He was claiming he loved all this health food while his mate was saying he hated it. He then went on about how much he liked her. Because that's how to catch a woman's heart; lie to her. You'll never get caught out, especially with those cameras following you! Moron. To be honest if she didn't click on that he is a salad dodger then she can't have too much going on with her self.

Urgh, I don't think so. 

I hate it. The 3 guys who aren't Mark or Tommy just mould into one and I can never tell who's who because they are all so boring. Also, what is the show actually about? Why are there pranks? Is this supposed to be some kind of Punk'd or was it just an after thought? I don't understand that at all.

Rather unsurprisingly, his ex-TOWIE mates have all said they loved it and even Mark's come out to say TOWIE got panned after it's first episode. Yeah it did but I think people don't want to watch rich, thick guys who think they are god's gift to women swan about on a free holiday.

It's as good as looking at other people's holiday snaps. NEWS FLASH: no one gives a shit.

ITV2 Is The Reason We Can't Have Nice Things

"First of all, never bad mouth Synergy." Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

I'm pretty sure that this is the mantra of ITV2.  I have a love/hate relationship with ITV2. Yes, I can watch TOWIE and know who's going out with who, I can even sit through Judge Judy and I don't mind catching American Idol when it's on. But what I hate, hate HATE is the way everything links. And most of it is to do with reality TV.

The titles that literally took 5 seconds to think of, Britain's Got MORE Talent (debatable), The XTRA Factor (it's on long enough), the tediously titled I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... NOW! and Take Me Out: The Gossip (Take Me Out... AGAIN would have been better). I watch the sister shows on ITV1, I enjoy them, some of the time, but these "spin-offs" are beyond shit.

And what about the presenters? Well, we have cheeky chappy (read: extremely annoying) Olly Murs presenting The Xtra Factor after appearing on The X Factor and now he has a new reality show Olly: Life on Murs. A show I'm sure that they came up with the title first then decided let's just film his tour. Oh! And get the fans involved via Twitter!! Twitter keeps ITV2 in ideas.

I hate men in hats. 

Then we've got Take Me Out: The Gossip with TOWIE's Mark Wright. I'm not really sure why other than he has been on an ITV2 programme. I remember I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here... Now! had Matt Willis presenting it,  after he won it one year but now they've got some girl and a couple of lame comedians.

AND THEN THERE'S THE REALITY TV SHOWS. Like previously mentioned, Olly: Life On Murs and the ground breaking Peter Andre: My Life are the biggest shows on ITV2 at the moment. On Peter Andre's show we learn he loves his Ferrari, his music, his fans AND DON'T FORGET THE KIDS. Also CAN Associates client and ex girlfriend Elen Rivers might just pop in for a cup of tea. And I'm guessing you'll probably see other CAN clients Amy Childs and husband and wife team Nicola McLean & Tom Williams who Pete just happens to be BEST FRIENDS WITH.

Some books Peter Andre is trying to read.

And possibly the most heinous offender, Celebrity Juice. I'll be honest, I've seen the show and sometimes Keith Lemon is funnier than he ought to be. But why the hell are Fern Cotton and Holly Wiloughby on it? Oh, because she's on ITV1's flagship daytime TV programme! And she's dragged her best friend along. Neither are funny, in fact they are painfully unfunny and this show really doesn't sit well with Holly's cosy family life she's built up on This Morning, so much so I'm surprised ITV1 would want her doing it at all. It's rude and crude and they look like idiots; we're laughing at you not with you. And what about the guests? Well just this year we've had Christine Bleakly (Daybreak), Phillip Schofield (This Morning), Jonathan Ross (The Jonathan Ross Show), Chris Fountain (Coronation Street and Dancing on Ice), Matt Cardle (X Factor winner), Caroline Flack (The Xtra Factor) I COULD GO ON!

They've all gone to the same hairdresser. 

I'm all for a bit of synergy but not to the point when Corrie and Jeremy Kyle have a cross over. (THIS HAPPENED). It's just sometimes it's a bit too much ITV, don't be afraid to look a bit further a field for different ideas. If you rely on BGT, I'm A Celeb... and The X Factor for ideas then you'll come unstuck sooner rather than later.

Horoscopes, Future Transgression and Other Made Up Stuff

Natalie Cassidy is everywhere at the moment isn't she? Celebrity Big Brother, Loose Women, The Wright Stuff. I'm not really sure what it is she does anymore though to be honest. But if anyone caught her on This Morning today then it seems the only thing she is worried about is a lion the size of a t-rex. Confused? Welcome to the This Morning's Supernatural Week.

Where's your trumpet? (Sorry)

Today, we had future life progression. What is that I hear you ask?

“Future Life Progression is a hypnosis session that aims to unlock the secrets of what your future lives could hold, and any lessons you can learn from who you might become in the future!”

Exclamation mark included! What absolute rubbish.

Rather annoyingly, I've been unable to watch it again. It's not on demand and they seem to have cut it out of the itv Player episode. Maybe even they thought, "Naa this is a bit shit."

I don't know why they have this stuff on the NTA winner of Best Factual Programme 2012. Holly said she is scared of the supernatural and Philip looks like he is trying to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. While they were interviewing the future life progressionist, Philip started talking about when he was transgressed and he seemed to be a little annoyed when the hypnotist told him to put some money in a sofa (goodness knows why, something to do with easing his past guilt…). I remember ITV dragging out this transgression stuff for not one but TWO series’ of a show called Have I Been Here Before? And that was presented by Schofe. It featured such celebrities as Dr Fox who turned out used to be a lute playing carpenter, Denise Welch who was a farm girl living in Devon, Barry from Eastenders as a 14th Century knight and the cheating Major from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire who was a women in a previous life. It was terrible, even by itv daytime standards.

While neither of them said it was total rubbish, they then start talking about Horoscopes. Holly believes in those, something about the moon pulling water and the how we can't live without the Sun (REALLY? THANKS FOR THAT!)

When people say they believe in Horoscopes, I always think; why? I don't mind stating that they are utter bollocks. To prove it I conducted an extremely scientific experiment. I thought I'd check a couple of mine (Aries). Today I was supposed to go and visit someone (nope, stayed in) because I haven't seen my friends in ages (I did, last weekend). Another one said I need to be daring and 'in force' (Star Wars?). Mystic Meg told me Venus settles in my sigh (what?) and I'll act as peacemaker with my healing words. Another said not to put demands on others (I thought it said I should go out and see people?) and be on my best behavior. I also found a chart with percentages of different aspects of my life. I have literally no idea what it means but apparently today I am 92% intuition, 19% money and 39% work. So I'm only going to work at 39%? I'll have 19% less money? What the hell does it mean?? I used to read my Horoscopes all the time, and twist them so they worked. But then I just got bored of them being all the same drivel.

I have just seen one the best psychics on The Only Way Is Essex; she figured out the Chloe WANTS TO GET ENGAGED!! Wow. Who would have thought a TOWIE girl would want to get married? If you are a psychic and a girl is pissing you off, what do you do? Just tell them they won’t be getting engaged this year. Like a dagger to their heart. And oi, Lucy? Some Colins are alright.

If people want to believe in all this I kinda feel sorry for them. It's the same with physics; they just prey on the vulnerable. Psychic Sally can piss right off in my opinion.